no good excuse

i wish i could say i have been doing something profound and thereby excuse my absence. instead, i've been doing a lot of busy work and spent the summer as a nomad with little gusto for posting. so, here i slink back to my non-audience to repent. ironic that i pick probably one of my busiest periods in oxford to suddenly find blogging a happy medium for procrastination.

there is a lot that could be said about life right now. i could talk endlessly about the difficulties i've had over the summer in sorting out life direction. i could explain further about why i've decided to pursue further academic study but under what conditions i've let myself go that way. i could wax poetic about some of the brilliant people who have filled my life in the past few months (clare, katie, edge, bryce, lele, sharon). i could even talk about my work.

but, i think instead that at this late hour the thoughts i want to share with the world are these: i've spent 2/3 or more of my life doubting myself and trying to live up to other people's expectations- sometimes even being an asshole to do so. too often, i've confused self-worth with self-aggrandisement. but, in the last few months and, in fact, in the last few years, i've realised that there's a lot more goodness to be found without trying that hard; there's a lot more bliss to be found in realising how great life is at the moment- not waiting for when it will be. to those who haven't seen me struggle through this and have simply criticised- it's a free country but i'm trying to no longer care about you so fuck off. to those who have supported me and cared for me as i've worked through much of this- thank you and i love you. for those still watching, let's stop the procession and realise that we're all just fumbling towards ecstasy

. . .