walks in the desert

vacations always do weird things for me. they often tell me things that are going on in my life that i couldn't previously bring into focus- all the stuff that lingers beneath the surface, waiting for an opportune time to be discovered and dealt with. this vacation i have learnt that my last term at oxford left me emotionally and intellectually exhausted. i thought this vacation would be a time to read fiction like a librarian, return to social-butterfly status and invest myself in my new academic projects. instead i have read little more than 100 pages in the one book i started at the start of term, had the requisite social engagements without investing significant effort into seeing everyone under the sun and have put off even the mandatory academic work. in short, i'm tired and i don't quite know why.

i gave two chapels at my old high school in my first week back here in winnipeg. i did them both on the lenten theme of wandering in the desert. i talked about the deserts i have experienced emotionally and spiritually and about the wonderful lessons we learn while adrift and unsure of the final destination. we learn to appreciate when we find "home" and we learn to take away that piece of isolation which shows us god is still there. i think i'm feeling pretty "in the desert" at this stage- it's a product of coming "home" and finding myself distant and unsure of where i stand here (that pang of desire to be with this steady rock of people and a similar desire to flee away from it because i've "changed"), a product of just too many years of moving and academic investment and a product of challenging some of the core assumptions i live by (why the hell do i think i have something to offer my current subject area? is pacifism really a workable ideology? is it really obvious to anyone outside of my own rationalized brain that i'm a christian?)... it all makes me tired.

i hope this desert yields something tangible and wonderful to route my life in a decent direction. for now, i'm off to bed

. . .