parallel lives

my friend ryan would tell me that constantly challenging your own paradigms is a good thing. that trying to shake the assumptions your life is based on is healthy if not necessary to live an ethical, thoughtful and inspired life. i agree, but it's fucking tiring.

there's been a lot of shaking going on around here. the first thing is that i'm continue to wrestle with the socially responsible means of using my life and income. i'm a massive hypocrite- claiming to be socially progressive and hoping for change while slurping up my lattes, buying my expensive shoes and aspiring to a life where i can give to charity while still have a really nice art collection. the juxtaposition is made all the more obvious when i sit down with social assistance clients who live on $520 a month in metro toronto. their rent allowance ($325) is what i would use for a cheap vacation to rome for a week. the question is there but the answer is far more difficult.

the other shake-up is that i'm reconsidering my doctorate. i'm not positive i'm cut out for the academic life or that i'm even very good at it. i love the idea of teaching but exposure to this research makes me feel increasingly insecure, self-conscious and un-clever. we'll see how i feel when i get back (and try and sort out whether or not this is just a function of a highly critical advisor), but it's something i keep thinking about especially in the face of seeing people with stable jobs, lives and relationships which reminds me of my own instability.

also, i'm thinking of leaving the church. i will still attend church (and notably the congregations i have always aligned with) but i increasingly feel that the structures of mennonite church canada are flawed and prevent a progressive voice from coming forward. i feel the church has turned its back on gays and its failure to support these people leads me to feel increasingly disappointed if not angry at the corporate body which runs the faith. while there used to be a conservative herd holding is conservative ideals, that herd is not getting active and forcing the general body to essentially become anti-gay, something i can't tolerate... on the other hand, what will simply leaving the church do but ease my conscience?

finally, i'm still questioning my own opinions on relationships. too much to get into here but needless to say i think i need a good 6 months in the yukon on my own to truly deal with my inner demons

i leave for winnipeg tomorrow night. agenda is as follows:

daytimes: research
evenings: tuesday- arrive; wednesday- golf with dad?; thursday- birthday night with mom; friday to sunday- cottage; monday to thursday- free; friday- family bbq; saturday- free, sunday- leave

hope to see many of you then! off to re-design my life

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