twenty-four going on 45 or 5?

i'm sitting in my lovely flat on an overcast day in oxford staring out at the window while a girl downstairs turns 5 and is celebrating with her friends. she's not actually turning 5- well, i guess, in reality, she actually is. however, she has actually lived on the earth for 20 years. you see, her birthday is tomorrow, 29 february, makingher birthday the leap year day and making her birthday unrecognised most other years. for her 5th birthday party she's invited her friends to participate in a real kid's party: cake and hats, pass the parcel, water guns and lots of other silly games.

upstairs, i am becoming increasingly aged. today, i once again cleaned my flat, did some dishes, and purchased new flowers for the vase i now fill weekly. there's a lovely little box of thornton's special toffee on my coffee table, i have all the accessories to have people in for tea and the artwork on my walls is framed and compliments my throw pillows nicely. in essence, i am playing at growing up.

it's an ever-growing necessity for me to fill my life with these mature and adult-like things. it fills so many functions: a) allows me to pretend i'm stable; b) distracts me from the real work of my degree; c) takes my mind off thinking about the dreaded "what next question?" which looms large over my head; and c) brings me into line with the other mature people i spend most of my time with.

yet, there's lots of times when i want to remind myself that i am only 24. there is no necessity for me to grow up just yet. while there is no need to become immature, there is no need either to buy property, move to florida and being complaining about the government full time. but finding the line between maturity and boredom is a difficult task (notably when you're in a disciplinarian-type role).

so, i think my task is to try and regain the sense of paradox i used to pride myself on. easily capable of partying with the best of them or debating some esoteric subject. but, for the moment, i'll debate whether to rearrange my flowers or join the kids downstairs

. . .