on that amazing feeling of understanding

i have had two conversations in the last two days that have given me such a wonderful sense of relief as well as a need to continue to probe certain aspects of my personality/thinking. both conversations were with individuals i would consider slightly unlikely candidates for having the same sense or issue with something but that's part of what made them incredible...

the first was with a mormon republican american who completely related to many of my same issues in relation to faith issues and how they apply in the lived life. there was real and honest dialogue about the struggle between one's lifestyle and what God is calling one to be/do and how one deals with that tension... most interesting, however, was the ability to understand my own situation being lived out similarly by someone else who has made alternative choices...

the second was with an over-achieving american economist who has faced the same issues of expectation/achievement/admiration anxiety. he is one of the first people i have met with whom i could instantly discuss my significant insecurities and also discuss the horrid feeling of not knowing if one can continue to live for other people and not for one's self. that sounds harsh and potentially more severe than it is, but the real issues was finding a sense of self that was not dependent upon external approval. he's one of the first people i've met who has also had death day-dreams- the kind where you visualize what life would be like if you died right now (not by your volition but by an external force) so that then the pressure to continue would just be gone... anyway, wonderfully enlightening...

i really hope that if my oxford experience is nothing else, it is a series of enlightened understandings which will improve both my relations with others and the way in which i know, love and change myself

. . .