Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

2005-01-17T14:49:00.000Z

my new thoughts

hi all,

i've decided to move my political thoughts into a different format. i'm going to attempt to discipline myself into regularly writing column-length pieces on a variety of topics. for those of you interested in receiving them, simply e-mail me at mark dot schaan at some.ox.ac.uk

. . .

2004-11-04T15:00:00.000Z

asterisk

it has come to my attention that this web site is more widely consulted than i had previously thought to be the case. this means that i'm going to have to neuter my content a bit. sorry to my friends in winnipeg, waterloo and toronto, but i'm likely not going to say much about my personal life here. if you want the real gossip, drop me a line and we can have a good chat. alternatively, i'll be in the hinterland this holiday season. i'm in winnipeg from 9 december to 30 december and in toronto from 30 december to 9 january.

for those outside of these locales, it looks like e-mail is the way forward. so, from here on, you're likely to find content about politics, books, random musings or some rather banal statement on the facts of my life. you're unlikely to get the good stuff though- no rants about my job, my friends, or my partners. thinking back, i'm not sure i post on that anyway.

all good wishes, m.

. . .

2004-11-03T20:22:00.000Z

cast me gently into morning, for the night has been unkind

it's hard to imagine that, upon sober second thought, the result would be the same. however, at the same time, it does suggest to me that there is a bravery in courting death. however, my overwhelming emotion today is one of sympathy. in some small way, sympathy for the world which must now deal with a president who has clearly shown his desire to act unilaterally, pre-emptively, and probably most sickening selectively, in the international arena, to ignore international precedent or convention, and to eshue neither the values of responsible conservatism, nor compassionate liberalism but of strategic selfishness. but the largest part of my sympathy is for those 48% of americans who voted against this vision. those individuals who have seen their country tainted in the broader world, who have seen their jobs lost, their trade mismanaged, and their dollars misspent.

it is the way of elections that there are tough losses and hard transitions. but i simply hoped, for america's sake and for the world's, that they could move on. however, walking home at 7 am this morning, i just wanted to move on from such an unkind night.

by way of joking suggestion. my friend robert, who once ran for office in the us, has long argued that the american coasts poll similar in social values to canada. so, in spirit of helping our demoralised friends, i suggest that we simply inherit all the pretty blue bits of the map. the rest of the american midlands (that big red swath) will come to be known as Texas Big. therein, we'll form a wonderful coalition free from electoral college votes and protected by the magnificent charter... anyway, it's a thought.

morning awaits

. . .

2004-10-26T22:07:00.000Z

angel's wings and breakdowns

it's just one of those nights. one of those times when the night is dark and the clouds obscure. one of those moments when your strength and your weakness duke it out and it ends a draw. one of those instances when you know you're on the cusp of change; if not change, action. this is the noun before the verb.

and in the gentle voice in the background, somebody sings that there's beauty in the breakdown. but more importantly, the voices whisper that the passion is well-painted but that you suspect impersonation. and it's a little of column a and a little bit of column b.

as i said to my friend yesterday, november will either by stunning or drowning. i could have a new role, new funding for the rest of my work, a new excitement for my research, and a person to share all of this with. or i could have none of them. and it's so hard not to get built up- the possibilities so rich and real and within grasp. but the fall so hard, leaving you clumsy and slightly drunk with unsteadiness.

and for now there is only this moment. so i'll forge on and wait to see if the verb is flying or sinking. here's praying for angel's wings but humming that there's beauty in the breakdown...

"Excuse me too busy
Writing your your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go, So let go, jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cos there's beauty in the breakdown"

. . .

2004-10-21T01:33:00.000Z

no good excuse

i wish i could say i have been doing something profound and thereby excuse my absence. instead, i've been doing a lot of busy work and spent the summer as a nomad with little gusto for posting. so, here i slink back to my non-audience to repent. ironic that i pick probably one of my busiest periods in oxford to suddenly find blogging a happy medium for procrastination.

there is a lot that could be said about life right now. i could talk endlessly about the difficulties i've had over the summer in sorting out life direction. i could explain further about why i've decided to pursue further academic study but under what conditions i've let myself go that way. i could wax poetic about some of the brilliant people who have filled my life in the past few months (clare, katie, edge, bryce, lele, sharon). i could even talk about my work.

but, i think instead that at this late hour the thoughts i want to share with the world are these: i've spent 2/3 or more of my life doubting myself and trying to live up to other people's expectations- sometimes even being an asshole to do so. too often, i've confused self-worth with self-aggrandisement. but, in the last few months and, in fact, in the last few years, i've realised that there's a lot more goodness to be found without trying that hard; there's a lot more bliss to be found in realising how great life is at the moment- not waiting for when it will be. to those who haven't seen me struggle through this and have simply criticised- it's a free country but i'm trying to no longer care about you so fuck off. to those who have supported me and cared for me as i've worked through much of this- thank you and i love you. for those still watching, let's stop the procession and realise that we're all just fumbling towards ecstasy

. . .

2004-06-17T14:38:00.000Z

from 0 to 2 in only 1 day?

i know, i know. i slack off from posting and then come back with a vengeance. anyway, i know finally have the time to reflect on things, notably, the current canadian election.

essentially, i increasingly feel that this is a 'made by the media' election. in the early days of the campaign, the media focused all of their energies on the crumbling liberal team. most of the major media outlets (including macleans, the globe and ctv) sent their star reporters to the conservatives who covered stephen harper as some sort of demi-god and thereby portrayed paul martin as notable absent. then when their destruction started working and the martin camp really did fall apart (as a camp is known to do when the feel they're not making any gains), the media tried to turn it back into a two-horse race by attacking harper.

as warren kinsella noted a few weeks back, this is when we started to see lines like 'despite excellent voter feedback on his party platform, harper continues to be dogged by his conservative social views'. that being dogged, and those who 'continue to question' were actually reporters- not real, live canadians. essentially, it was an invented story.

now, however, the media realise that their act 1 destruction of martin went too far and he really is crushed. so, they circle like vultures and essentially ruin any chance of recovery. so, he makes a reasonably good performance in the debates which the media turns into, at best, 'a draw', and at worse, 'a clear victory' for harper. this, of course, is assisted by viewers who have had their views shaped by act 1. but now it's just getting silly. don martin's 'news article' in today's winnipeg free press (carried by canwest news service) is beyond reproach essentially passing off spiteful, sarcastic taunting of paul martin as news. "If this was a Monty Python movie, the prime minister was the kicking and screaming old man pleading "but I'm not dead yet" as media carried him out for hurry-up burial.", martin writes and goes on to add "There is no doubt now, these are the most critical days of the entire campaign for Martin as he fights to reverse a death spiral sucking his government down the drain. The obituaries may well be written by week's end as polling firms hired by most major media outlets head into the field for a major blitz of public opinion." this is not news, this is an angry media deciding that they can control electoral outcomes- and the sad thing is they can.

It's rare but I have to agree with Tim Murphy. "After much mocking by journalists watching Martin's pre-programmed non-answers, chief of staff Tim Murphy has had enough. "It's nice of you guys to stop your ascension into heaven long enough to cover the campaign." I think he hates us."

I can understand why.

. . .

2004-06-17T14:15:00.000Z

endings, beginnings and facing the void

i know, i know- i have been a horrible blog slacker. i can't believe my last post was about my birthday which feels like a decade ago. however, i have many good excuses for my non-updating practices: i finished my dissertation, i went to chicago, i wrote my last exam ever. all of that has been fairly stressful, fairly liberating but, now that it's finished, life feels weird somehow...

this master's degree and this two-year period of my life has forced a lot of thinking. on the one hand, it's been a painful period of coming to terms with my own capabilities. my masters proved to me that i've been given a lot very easily without necessarily working as hard for it as i should. however, i've also learned that i have a lot of scars from some of the crap i've had to deal with privately and that most people don't know or care about. however, on the other hand it's been a two-year period of self-discovery and of amazing hope for where my life is headed. i learnt that i am capable of working very hard. i've learnt that i'm capable of citing my own faults and working on them. i've learnt that some of my 'rock-solid' positions are more maleable than i imagined.

this two years has been really amazing and tough. i've truly come to understand how flawed i am but also how much hope i have for what i can become. rather than being a depressing experience (which it has been at times), i feel now like it's liberating and also promising...

this summer will be a lot of floating around and also beginning to seriously take a crack at my d. phil. the itinerary looks something like this:

june 29 - july 25th: deaning an international baccalaureate course at harvard/mit in boston. also doing a bit of lit. review.

july 25- july 30th: preparing for my parents

july 31st - aug 15th: hanging out with my parents. the plan: oxford, london, berlin, edinburgh, stirling, north scotland, oxford.

august 16 - sept. 26th: canada for research. 2 weeks in winnipeg and the rest in toronto (yet to be determined).

anyway, i'll post again soon... hope to see some of you soon and look forward to hearing what you've been up to

. . .

2004-05-18T08:19:00.000Z

we kindly interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this bit of random

there's no coherance yet today because it's 9:24 in the morning and i've still recovering from this bizarre dream which somehow featured being in a musical about homeless people with lots of costume changes and no audience... alas, some thoughts for the day:

*) my birthday party on the weekend was perhaps one of the most fantastic nights of my life. 70 of some of the people i feel truly lucky to have in my life, a fantastic venue, brilliant venue and loads of both champagne/amaretto (not in any way mixed- yuck!) made the pain of turning the big 25 so much easier to bear!

&) buzz hargrove makes me increasingly angry. while i recognise that a $10,000 pay hit may be a lot to ask and while i know that you can't set too low a standard for what you believe your workers are worth, there still arrives a time when you need to ask yourself the question: is this wage what the market will bear? thanks to buzzy-buzz there may be no air canada. having now said no the li's, deutsche bank, and ge, who else does mr. lightyear think is going to rescue our national carrier? good luck trying to get the us airlines who buy the pieces of air canada to hire canadians!

£) ken dryden running for the liberals: coup of all coups!

@) my little maclean's mention has come out. if anyone is interested head to macleans.ca or pick up a copy on a newsstand near you

. . .

2004-05-11T12:46:00.000Z

await the rise of the resume-builders

this article from the british medical journal sent to me by a friend is pretty scary/interesting. the search for sincerity becomes increasingly more complicated as our society beecomes increasingly more achievement-obsessed.

. . .

My friend's 12 year old son wanted to give up music lessons. Sure, said his dad, but tell me why. Didn't he like the teacher? Was there too much pressure? Had he stopped enjoying the violin? "Dad," replied the child, "I never liked music, but I reckon I'm good enough now to put it on my CV."

Last month, I attended a school concert and heard a 17 year old play a concerto by Liszt. He played by ear—faultlessly and passionately. The young man's face was contorted with concentration; his forehead dripped sweat. In the tough allegro section he bit his lip so hard I thought it might bleed.

Profoundly talented as he undoubtedly was, this level of performance was the result of years of practice and, I mused, considerable self sacrifice in the face of the usual adolescent temptations. But it was more than that. The boy played the piano for the sheer love of it. After his ovation, he had gently closed the piano lid, unfolded a handkerchief, and discreetly wiped tears from his eyes.

I recently helped interview a group of 17 year old hopefuls who were applying to do medicine. Their personal statements were uniformly perfect. As well as the expected row of A grades at GCSE, every one of them boasted excellence in at least three of the Big Four: music, sport, drama, and community service.

They had all done their homework—identifying the subconscious benchmarks that ageing professors use when evaluating the achievements of the young, and ensuring that they scored above the line. I asked one multitalented individual what she had got out of playing in an orchestra. Her measured reply—that the experience had taught her teamwork and commitment, and had provided balance in her timetable while taking five science A levels—gained her top marks on our assessment sheet.

We are now admitting cohorts of medical students who, like my friend's son, have been constructing their CVs since the age of 9. With a few radiant exceptions, their very identities are a pastiche of academic and personal achievements, carefully constructed for viewers like you and me. Surely we owe it to our children to change the system that is requiring them to become so hollow?- Trisha Greenhalgh, professor of primary health care, University College London

2004-05-11T11:20:00.000Z

margaret wente: wrong again

ahhh, margaret wente. such a clever writer but so prone to constructing paper dragons out of complex arguments only so that she can decimate them easily. it must be so dissatisfying though to 'win' an argument but then know that you really haven't met it head on- that you've surreptiously curved beyond the battle to some sort of 'home free' zone where intellectual honesty isn't required.

her argument isn't an unimportant one: that we're being too hard on the american occupation of iraq; that it would have been moronic to turn the prisons over tot he iraqis after occupation and that if we continue to be this harsh on the americans, no one will ever want to intervene for humanitarian purposes. fair enough but her assumptions make much her poingnancy turn to fluff.

to buy her argument, we have to accept her assumption that the us entered this war on the ground of 'humanitarian intervention'. at the end of her column she likens this to another rwanda. the irony, of course, is that the us did nothing for rwanda. so, this raises the question: why iraq? that we should judge the us as some sort of humanitarian saints who have entered this war only for the good of the iraqi people is not an easy pill to swallow.

next on my hit list is wente's claim that we're being too harsh on america- that because they've spent $87 million and been willing to take the lead, they should be protected somehow from any generalised criticism. this is ridiculous. if the iraqi regime was overthrown in the pursuit of calmer, gentler ends then we must hold the us occupation to the same standards. even more problematic, however, is that this is an 'occupation' which places a whole new spin on how judgemental i think we're allowed to be. this was not simply an outster but a takeover and therefore the us military, effectively the new iraqi government, needs to be criticised in the same way that you can blame the canadian government when a doctor treats you badly at a hospital they pay for. if this was simply a bit of assistance to remove an ugly government hanging on too long, the us might escape criticism for simply being the messenger. however, with haliburton on the payroll and america in control, the us better be ready to face criticism for their rule of post-war iraq.

wente's call to thanks for the us ends with this plea that if we make occupation difficult, no one will want to do it. the reality is that occupation/liberation/humanitarian intervention is complex and if criticism is going to stop the strong believers in human rights, then i worry about how committed they truly are to the concept...

. . .

2004-05-09T15:58:00.000Z

remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other - the dalai lama

somethings i still struggle with

. . .

2004-05-08T10:08:00.000Z

the world is collapsing around our ears, i turned up the radio but i can't hear it

a weird series of days of late. i am in the final throes of my dissertation- finishing my last chapter which will leave only my edits before i submit june 4th. it seems amazing that this project is finally wrapping up but yet i am so lacking in the motivation to finish it. i'm still suffering from post-ball exhaustion- i'm doing a lot of socialising, a fair bit of social drinking and a lot of faffing. take this morning, where i should be wrapping up this chapter but instead am reading the globe and generally scouring the internet for tidbits of fun...

however, the world continues to shuffle on without any clear or directed goal and i wonder whether we ever really will know what the fuck we're doing. there's a fantastic piece in today's globe about michael ignatieff and his quest to reconcile his belief in humanitarian intervention and even the possible need to suspend civil liberties to humanely end terror with the current stuff going on in iraq. how can we build a moral case for intervention to rescue human dignity and end torture only to erode human dignity and increase torture upon our entry? however, i found the last lines of the piece particularly chilling:

"If you have to wait for angelic intentions in this world, you'll have to wait for hell to freeze over. The besetting sin of Canadian foreign-policy thinking is a kind of airy and empty moral perfectionism that just doesn't deal with the world that we live in. It's the pathos of the middle power that doesn't actually have hard choices to make. I love my country, but I'm impatient with this thinking."

how long can we sit back and stay morally superior while watching suffering, torture and the complete degradation of the notions of human rights we supposedly stand behind? i feel closer than ever to adopting this hawkish leftish position...

more soon on what's really going on with me

. . .

2004-05-05T09:26:00.000Z

"To beat a team like the Toronto Maple Leafs, to me, it's like I'm dreaming, honestly."

time to think about golf again...

2004-04-26T21:07:00.000Z

on loneliness

even when i am surrounded by people all day and all night, i am trapped in this pit of intolerable loneliness. it's amazing how my life swings in polar opposites from suffocation- with way too many people and way to much to do- to shear solitude- with nothing but idleness and distraction and a reminder of my disjointedness from so much that i care about...

today somebody i really care about said something that made me feel hyper-sensitive, and selfish and insecure and it's just reminded me of my own fragility- something i had hoped i was past.

each day i pray for the will to gain comfort in my own skin, to know my own vocation and purpose and to learn to love myself as i am, regardless of what i do. this is still my hope

. . .

2004-04-23T16:57:00.000Z

on procrastination and event planning

i do nothing all day except administrative tasks. when i run out of them, i invent more. i have had one chapter of my dissertation left and due for weeks. it's crunch time now- it has to be done this weekend. and yet, i read the globe and mail all day, chat with friends and spend hours detailing all the things that need doing for the ball next week. why do i lack total motivation for work i'm supposedly passionate about?

instead, i am consumed by the ball. it has taken over my life. april 30th will forever be enshrined in my head as i have dedicated 6 months of my life to planning every small detail. and then, it will all be over. 1100 will have come and gone, ate and drank for 8 hours and then gone to the magdalen boys sing on the bridge. i used to think i wanted to do event planning for a living but i'm not sure i could deal with all the lead-up, let-down of it all.

in other news, i think i'm going to be in boston for 3 weeks this summer- good times!

. . .

2004-04-22T09:26:00.000Z

the 'real' road highlights

now that i've taken the piss a bit, i thought i would update on what's really been going on of late...

i really did go to scotland for the weekend which was fantastic. katie and i went up to st. andrews on friday- the train was in fact chaotic and long (7.5 hours) and uber-packed- but it was still worth it. we got into st. andrews in time to drop our stuff off and head to dinner. we somehow managed to get dinner with katie's friend ben including 9 cocktails, 3 meals, 2 coffees and 1 dessert for £24 which still blows my mind... so good!

we then went off to a footballer's wives party which was fun (although i didn't really go in costume but there were some very lovely sarongs in tow). from there we headed off to a couple pubs and then to the bop at the union which was amazingly fun. met a few st. andrews students and had a really good night. saturday we recuperated and hung out with katie's cousins. there was also the annual kate kennedy procession where the history of st. andrews is told with a procession of folks in costume- pretty touristey but also really funny...

after exploring for the rest of saturday, sunday we went to church (i've forgotten how uncomfortable i feel in Catholic mass) and then walked the golf course. we then got primed and ready for the annual st. andrews fashion show. wills attended 2 years ago so it's a big deal now. katie and i got dressed as poncey and pretentious and we could (i wore posh-spice-eseque sunglasses) and trotted off to the st. andrews bay hotel. it was such a glam night and our fake pretentiousness was such a laugh. we sipped champagne and watched the amazing fashion show and really enjoyed ourselves...

monday we sadly had to depart but the train ride home was fairly painless...

in other news, i've nearly completed my dissertation which means i've nearly completed my masters. amazing how time flies by. the work has been really challenging and i've really enjoyed it but it's certainly been draining. i start my ph.D in july which is going to be an expansion of current work- looking at the politics of welfare reform more broadly and interviewing federal and provincial policy actors to understand how changes were made, why they were made and the including the piece i'm just about to finish on implementation... should be interesting...

i'm in charge of a ball in a week's time which is scaring my senseless- 1000 people paying £70 a pop... it should be amazing! more updates soon

. . .

2004-04-21T13:49:00.000Z

some thoughts from the road

i recently took a short trip to scotland to see my best friend's alma mater. here's some thoughts from the road... will have more on the realities of life soon...

A train ride across Britain could often be mistaken for 8 hours in a local JobCentre. In fact, with the current labour strike across the country, perhaps the Government has simply made coming onto a train the equivalent of ‘signing on’. There are multiple single parents, gaggles of families of 4 with a cumulative age of less than 50 and more piercings than are visible in an entire afternoon in Ladbrokes. If Gordon Brown truly wants to revolutionalise the social welfare system in Britain, he could start by offering free parenting classes on trains and creating ‘social networks’ and ‘generalised trust’ with a reformed seat allocation service.

The trip from the seat of learning, Oxford, to the posh den of golf, St. Andrews, has been complete with being pushed up against a luggage compartment with a blind-deaf woman (at least she was wearing a badge) refusing to budge as her and her 5 children and equally blind (seeing eye-dog in tow) husband try to move everyone on the train out of their car so as to recline with leisure. In part, this is the consistent experience of public transportation. However, the over-abundance of fake Burberry, track suits and 17-year olds with prams highlights just how common, utilised and established public transport by train has become in this part of the world.

One can hardly imagine this scene in travelling by train across Canada. The jostling for seats would be replaced by the near boredom of being seated alone in a car with 14 Japanese tourists from Banff to Vancouver; the constant barrage of mobile ring tones completely absent as the majority of passengers attempt to sleep away the double-digit hours of layover between stops.

We’re now stopped at Lockerbie, a town that holds poignant and sad significance for the country and the world, especially with the prevalence and frequency of terror in our modern world. However, the political significance of Lockerbie, even with the recent meeting between Blair and Gadhaffi, seems lost on the train as I watch my compatriot across the aisle stir from the brink of snoring to put back her copy of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Watcher’s Guide”. The fact that the world is on the brink of destruction or chaos appears misplaced to the random punter in Car A who attempts to bravely walk the aisles like a trapeze artist returning with two more Stellas from his case highlighting the success of Britain’s bring-your-own policy on trains. The foreign policy flip-flop on Israel by George Bush this week is replaced with the political sentiment of the slightly overweight woman in Car D who, at the age of my mother, would like to tell the train to “F*** Off, I’m fussy” via the white t-shirt which clings slightly too closely to her ample breast-stomach combination.

I have a flashback to my weekend just past where I sat in the comforts of the office reading an article in the Times Magazine on the resurgence of Burberry and its ability to move its brand beyond being the fashion of football hooligans. I then look two roads in front of me to see the magazine might be a bit premature: an upstanding youth of Britain is fully clad in the fake check pattern (hat, jumper and socks) and his fashion-forward mindset is copied by his mate in the seat next door who has the ultimate matching ensemble of hat and hooded jumper bearing the wise words: “Fuck Fear, Drink Beer”- a lost sonnet of Heaney’s I think.

However, in other news, in a stunning twist of fate it is revealed that the surly woman from my previous encounter is in fact not deaf and blind but merely blind. My mind begins to wonder whether there’s a market for badges that simply read “Blind” and that maybe I should pitch this to Asda or somewhere else suitable. However, perhaps the woman is just choosing not to hear things, in which case, I too want a badge.

As the train travels further north, I notice another brilliant example of British urban planning. Approximately 10 metres from the railway tracks at Carstairs East station is one of Scotland’s federal penitentiaries. Is this placement aimed at providing the nation’s imprisoned train-watching anoraks with hours of entertainment or an attempt to reduce prison over-crowding by increasing the likelihood of successful escape? Judging by my fellow passengers, I don’t think the inmates would have any trouble blending in on this train. Perhaps this is the British version of the faint hope clause?

I’ve always wondered about the British penchant for mini-skirts. In a country in which sun is an anomaly and warm weather even rarer, why expose your pale, frozen chicken legs to the elements. However, a remarkable number of people seem to enjoy dressing for the beach. I hope the surfer girl, dressed in mini-skirt, Roxy t-shirt, seashell necklace, flip-flops and bottle tan, sitting behind me will enjoy her trip to the blustery and misty seaside this weekend. Perhaps this is the way forward to stimulate the slightly stagnant northern Scottish economy: why pay hundreds for Goa when Ayr’s beaches await?

I think perhaps that the leading brewers in Britain have missed out on the ultimate branding opportunity. With so many people wearing beer shirts on the trains, perhaps Carling or Carlsberg (definitely a lager) should consider just purchasing the trains outright. Think of the fantastic exchanges: are you taking the beer train to Skye? Then their could be competition to actually improve the efficiency of train travel: who could get to London Paddington quicker- Stella or Fosters?

I’ve just realised that all of my previous analogies and metaphors are incomplete. The true description of the train experience in Britain is the rugby scrum. There are hoards of people all grouped together in this cylindrical formation, many of them sweating profusely and the general odour is of bodies and heat and exertion (there’s an advert in there somewhere). It feels like there is near complete chaos but yet there are ‘rules’. While you can side-blow someone with a case or throw a garment bag into someone’s neck, you have to continue to pretend that you’re not really trying to injure- you’re simply doing everything in your power to achieve the ultimate ‘goal’- the privileged seat. Having just witnessed someone (a 5 ft. tall spherical ‘woman’ complete with trainers and whining child) lift a heavy bag and the child like a sack of potatoes, I’m more convinced than ever that Jonny Wilkinson got most of his training riding Virgin.

Just when the calm sets in, if calm can be described as pressing flesh with a lovely group of 25 of your favourite strangers, it’s time for the ‘trolley’ because if there’s one thing this group of frightfully large people needs its more crisps or an extra can of Virgin cola. As we sit sealed together in a vacuum-like tube with little air of any quality and a smell that farmers would consider air freshener, I just hope that the cradle of golf is here soon...

. . .

2004-04-01T15:19:00.000Z

the nhl needs to change

if it wasn't clear before, the lack of a hockey season next year might finally wake up the nhl to realise that things can't go on as they have before. the league- high salaries, bad rules, poor organization and problematic coaching and all- needs a massive reformation and i hope that the league uses its sabbatical to make the reforms necessary to improve what was and could be a fantastic game for both spectator and player.

the problems are many and the solutions not easy. perhaps the simplest is the current play-off seeding formula. guaranteeing division leaders top billing in the playoff seeding was meant to be a means for expansion teams to aspire to even mediocre success. it was supposed to grant home-ice advantage and higher seeding to teams who might not have been their on its own merits. what it's actually done is penalise star divisions and allow the potential for absolute folly in the playoffs. take one look at the southeast division. minus tampa bay, all four teams are in the bottom of the conference with no prospects for the post-season. remind me again why we want to bestow top seeding to one of these teams? does it take a year where all 5 teams in the southeast division don't make the playoffs and a spot is granted to them from on high before the nhl sees the inherant dislogic in their seeding formula?

the other problems are more intense and far more difficult to solve. there is first the salary issues. it reminds me of my time lobbying the government on post-secondary education issues. the council of ontario universities once put forward an ultimatum that none of them would accept more students unless they got full funding for each of them. the government never caved because they knew that some of the universities would. this is the same fake ultimatum put forward by team owners- "we won't offer ridiculous salaries to preserve some form of unofficial salary cap". Bullshit! I cry, as each owner attempts to outdo one another in rewarding their over-rewarded players. this leads to the complete misunderstanding of economics that the players' union currently holds. simply put: the nhl needs a salary cap, it needs a firm line from owners and it needs players who understand that, regardless of their talent, the game has a bottom line.

probably the most tricky issue in the nhl is restoring the game to one that fans want to watch and one where the policy on violence is clear. some of this is easier said than done- smaller goal equipment, new blue-line rules will go some way, but the game is likely to require more significant reform. however, most significantly, the game has to change is approach. the todd bertuzzi affair has created a significant movement to blame individual players for their violent behaviour. however, i think this misses out on the fault that lies with the league, with the coaches and with the style of play. ken dryden's piece in the globe lays this out very well- that the move to bigger, stronger players and shorter shifts has increased the aggressive nature of the game. combine this with a league that publicly condemns violence but tacitly approves if not encourages it and you have a recipe for disaster.

what the nhl needs is a clear idea of what they want out of the game. if they think that violence gets asses in seats- then so be it. say that and be done with it and let's not shreik in horror when another todd bertuzzi incident occurs. if the league really is serious about making the style of play more aggressive and less violent then be serious about it- ending 'finishing the check', actually penalise aggression and allow for true offence (and more goals) to come about. what the league doesn't need is new public platitudes- on salary caps, cracking down on violence or a desire for more goals- with no real action.

i hope the nhl uses their year off to come with a game that both says and does what it actually believes is good for the game- it's too good to lose.

. . .

2004-03-26T10:52:00.000Z

welcome to transcription hell

why did i have to do so many interviews? why did i have to choose an interview-based research dissertation? blah to me! you all should have warned me how paintful it would be to sit alone in my room and type away tediously!

anyway, i'm caught in transcription hell. this means that i procrastinate A LOT by doing random things like: cleaning my flat, reorganizing all my papers, making too many cups of tea, sending e-mails and then cleaning my flat again. i also spend a lot of time reading the news. so, in a tiny segment i like to call 'one line each' here's my take on current events... (mostly canadian)

myrian bedard: so, just because you won an olympic medal it's somehow now ok to lie?
blair and gadhafi: i see, so some lunatic hippie terrorists are good for peace
gagliano: and the oscar goes to...
ralph goodale: sure, it was boring- but what did we expect from a boring wester politician? i also love the bird of paradise they made him wear to 'spice up' his outfit!
the stupid pyjama story in winnipeg: this is when i think there should be a test for parenting
john kerry: umm, the republicans called- they want their party membership card back
the mapleleafs: thank god, the aliens have given me back my team so maybe they can start playing the sport again!
the bid for a new canadian holiday... in february: it's kind of like a legislated snow day
microsoft and the eu: see, when you own everything that's what we in the economic world call a 'monopoly' ...

and with that, i'm outta here... back to transcription hell

. . .

2004-03-21T12:06:00.000Z

some quick updates from my world

the dinner party

i love the dinner party. every bit of it. the week of preparation- creating the ideal menu, buying the ingredients, cleaning the flat; the actual day- arranging the flowers, setting the table, prepping all the food; the actual event- the flowing conversation, the ambient music, the pauses between courses. i think the idea of putting various people from your life together and seeing what comes of it is so fantastic. i also love spoiling my friends...

a colleague mused that i would be a reasonable administrator because if i loved the dinner party then i would love assembling committees and seeing them operate- true, but the food is less good!

this particular dinner party was small and more reserved then expected but still very charming. the menu: roasted squash and apple soup served over brie, rustic french greens with dried cranberry and avocado in a balsamic vinaigrette, poached salmon in a lemon coriander sauced, cous-cous stuffed peppers and asparagus, flower-pot baked alaska. worked quite well. looking forward to the next combination already...

the chapter

the 3rd chapter of my dissertation is finally complete. blagging my way through 50 sources for a 5000 word chapter (which suddenly became 7500 words) was a nightmare. i wrote a paragraph that included the words epistemological, ontological, post-positivist, paradigmatic, constructivist and apprehendable. all very scary. the result: the section i worked hardest on has been deemed unnecessary and the above paragraph was called 'pretentious'. serves me right- should just write about what i actually know. the up-side is that jane likes the second section which is my own contribution...

respect for tom hanks

many of you who will have engaged in any discussion about film and, especially, queerness in film will have heard my rant on philadelphia and why it was a populist film that took an emotional-response topic to make a rather shallow and superficial statement- gays are good and not scary. this has led to my loathing of tom hanks. however, in an article in today's chicago paper, he admits as much:

"Yes, it was a very political movie, but it was coming from the mainstream," he explains. "It was a big studio film that cost about $35 million to make. The more rabid statement movies cost $750,000 and played in a couple of theaters. Demme was out to make a political movie, and he did it in a very clever way. The political statement I think `Philadelphia' was asking the public to make was to go see the movie."

so, it wasn't about depth, it was about audience share. kudos to tom!

random

in other news, i'm in transcription hell trying to get through all my interview tapes. i'm going to see 'pirates of the caribbean' at the buckingham palace theatre on tuesday (crazy story!). oxford is in a rainy/sunny for 20 minutes each phase. i'm heading to the boat race next weekend. alfonso gagliano is making me want to vomit. and i'm super jealous of matt's new apartment. that's about it for now

. . .

2004-03-15T19:25:00.000Z

thanks douglas

i found it very interesting that i'm an activist as i tended to conform more to the majority opinions. anyway, certainly food for thought..

You are the Honourable Madam Justice Marie Deschamps. (65.7% match)

Born: 1952, Repentigny, Québec
Appointed: 2002
Key word: "progressive"

You are the youngest Justice and represent the voice of the next generation. Unafraid of being called an "activist", you wrote strongly-worded minority opinions on all of our sample cases since your appointment. Maybe you inherited the job of Devil's advocate from the retired Justice L'Heureux-Dubé.

Which Canadian Supreme Court Justice are you? v0.1 by mskala

. . .

2004-03-09T10:22:00.000Z

life, in the smallest of forms

this week has been a week for the tiny things. in the brain world, it's because i'm writing my chapter on methodology this week which means that i'm focusing in on the minutiae of what i've already done. the small details of research: what order did you ask questions in? why did you choose to do the interviews in that room as opposed to somewhere else? how were you introduced to the interviewee? etc? etc?

however, the most notably tiny thing this week was the addition to my family of a new nephew. liam andrew birch was born on thursday, march the 4th at around 8:30pm winnipeg time, weighing 8 pounds 2 ounces. he is a the most beautiful child with very cute chubby cheeks and dimples that you could lose a car in. i am once again struck by how wonderful this whole life thing is. i remember seeing noah for the first time and feeling this amazing, impenetrable love- that something so small, so vulnerable could inspire such love is the most amazing thing. i wish i could see little liam in the flesh but that will have to wait.

i'll spend the rest of my day seeking out the tiny things- not only in methdology but in the tiny things that remind you of how wonderful it can all be

. . .

2004-03-03T10:33:00.000Z

You're British Columbia. You're hip and happenin'
but also a nice person who isn't a snob. Career
is important to you but it isn't your whole
life. People assume that your life is perfect
and that you have it all, like you were born
with a silver spoon in your mouth. But it's not
true; you do have your own set of troubles just
like everybody else.

What Canadian Province Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-02-28T17:05:00.000Z

twenty-four going on 45 or 5?

i'm sitting in my lovely flat on an overcast day in oxford staring out at the window while a girl downstairs turns 5 and is celebrating with her friends. she's not actually turning 5- well, i guess, in reality, she actually is. however, she has actually lived on the earth for 20 years. you see, her birthday is tomorrow, 29 february, makingher birthday the leap year day and making her birthday unrecognised most other years. for her 5th birthday party she's invited her friends to participate in a real kid's party: cake and hats, pass the parcel, water guns and lots of other silly games.

upstairs, i am becoming increasingly aged. today, i once again cleaned my flat, did some dishes, and purchased new flowers for the vase i now fill weekly. there's a lovely little box of thornton's special toffee on my coffee table, i have all the accessories to have people in for tea and the artwork on my walls is framed and compliments my throw pillows nicely. in essence, i am playing at growing up.

it's an ever-growing necessity for me to fill my life with these mature and adult-like things. it fills so many functions: a) allows me to pretend i'm stable; b) distracts me from the real work of my degree; c) takes my mind off thinking about the dreaded "what next question?" which looms large over my head; and c) brings me into line with the other mature people i spend most of my time with.

yet, there's lots of times when i want to remind myself that i am only 24. there is no necessity for me to grow up just yet. while there is no need to become immature, there is no need either to buy property, move to florida and being complaining about the government full time. but finding the line between maturity and boredom is a difficult task (notably when you're in a disciplinarian-type role).

so, i think my task is to try and regain the sense of paradox i used to pride myself on. easily capable of partying with the best of them or debating some esoteric subject. but, for the moment, i'll debate whether to rearrange my flowers or join the kids downstairs

. . .

2004-02-20T09:59:00.000Z

at last

i have sat at this particular window staring at it a number of times over the past months thinking that i should update. i have even chosen titles, written sentences only to delete them and move on to something else. i think the failure to write is a dual battle: i) how to write something about my life that my 'audience' will both understand and not find over-dramatice and ii) write something that really gets at where my thoughts have been.

in essence, in the last few months i have reconsidered life. not whether or not to keep living but instead what kind of a life i want to lead. most of this has been centred around vocation which is an all-consuming and brutal struggle. in essence, i am not completely happy in my current course work. i find the difficulty of writing focused and well-documented chapters for my dissertation tedious and overwhelming. i know that this is not what i want to do for the rest of my life. to know that i can not come home and put the tele on and not know that there is more books i should read, more articles to write and all the rest of it. i need to find something i am motivated to do and also something that i am passionate about. i want something i am energised about.

however, i'm not sure what that next step is and do not feel i have a strong enough grasp on where this next change will take me. and so, i have decided to stay on track- to a certain degree- and will continue on towards my d. phil. but i will use these next two years to truly get at what i'm good at and what it is i want to do next. journalism? canadian literature? management? administration? theatre? a boy band? it is both deeply liberating and deeply disarming to think what lies ahead...

and yet in all this postulating, the normal rhythms of life continue- there was a show (finishes this week), welfare crises in college, nights out, nights in, great dinners, fantastic conversations and not enough time spent in the bath, on the couch or with my friends. and so things have been both normal and not. regularity in a time that is deeply strange.

there has been much else in the past months that has amused and angered me. the reality that canada is becoming america in its obsession with public accounts ($12 for a roll of cello tape!!!- people there are costs to govern, honestly!); that integrity in government is a bad pr strategy (poor paul martin?); that racial inequality is as strong as ever in britain (there are 70 black students at cambridge); that i miss home (especially with a new little person arriving this week); that i love my flat (what a difference table clothes make); that i can be happy even in my fog...

more soon...

2004-01-26T00:00:00.000Z

a new introduction

this is just a map of the countries i've been too but will follow with (finally) an update- although i've lost all my readers, i'm sure. the map is related to the update and i'll let you all in on my life and its crazy possibilities soon

. . .

create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

2003-11-20T21:07:00.000Z

thanks dave

You are glucose. People feed off of you. You are
sweet, caring, and a source of energy for
everyone around you. You can inspire others
with your creativity and depth, and you can
keep people alive when in times of famine.
People love you...or at least the way you
taste.

Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-11-14T14:57:00.000Z

hark! what light from yonder air-lock breaks?

another gloomy day in oxford with high winds and rain but it's ok because i'm hidden away in my flat having run my errands and am now trying to settle down into work before tonight's performance. the musical is going incredibly well and i'm absolutely loving being in such a big venue and working with such a cool set. for all the politics that went into "return to the forbidden planet" and for all the times i said it would be my last show ever, being on stage is such a reminder of how exhilarating it can be to perform.

doing the show in combination with deaning and the ball this summer has meant that my work time has really suffered. i'm now trying to make up for lost time. these tapes that are awaiting transcription keep haunting me, knowing that they should be done but i just can't find the hours needed to sit and type and type. today was a library day though so now i'm staring at the heaps of titles ranging from "the coercive social worker" to "the organisation of a social services department"... oh the fun of it!

men are confusing me these days. i feel so emotionally strange and unable to understand what it is i want from relationships. there is this constant looming presence of the relationship i can't have because it's not pragmatic or logistically possible and then these possibilities which all seem vain and unfulfilling. why is it that there is no happy medium? and why do i feel so restless being alone? alas, questions for another day... onto the work.

. . .

2003-11-09T12:55:00.000Z

what to say?

it's a gloomy day in oxford. it's 1pm and yet it feels like an autumn dusk. it even just looks cold from my windows and the red and yellow leaves seem forlorn rather than basking in the changing of the seasons. funny though, how i ascribe emotions to animate yet clearly non-human entities.

it's now four o'clock and the haze has not lifted. the rain has been coming in drips and drabs for the past number of hours. yet, it is a perfect sunday. there has been rain, there has been brunch, there has been a bath and there has been the perfect opportunity to talk endlessly about nothing and everything.

brunch was wit the college's italian dante scholar where we had a lengthy and fascinating gab about all things ranging from mind/body connection, the goodness of humans, fine film, history's most intriguing characters and the possibility for a new thinking on sexuality. this is why i love sundays- no agenda, no parameters and no pretense!

i'm tired of writing that life is manic so just for today i will pretend that everything is fine. the busyness of it all gets so tiresome so i would like to pretend my life is all sundays- all lie-ins, brunch and lattes. unfortunately, it is not and could not be- the problem of having to earn an income, be productive and realise that while esoteric randomness is enjoyable it is, in most cases, fruitless. so tomorrow i will return to the show that goes up this week, the transcription still waiting to be done, the endless meetings and the eternal reading which can not and will never be finished.

but just for this moment, i will make a cup of tea and pretend that there is nothing more important than the changing colours of the leaves and the possibilities of hugs in heaven.

. . .

2003-10-15T21:32:00.000Z

random

much running through my mind these days and so this might just be a little "binge and purge" as opposed to anything substantive or linear.

the human side: while i completely agree with ryan that izzy asper, as the media knew him and many of his opinions, completely rubbed me the wrong way and went against my ethics and beliefs, there is something to be said for the human factor. that is, actually knowing the person beyond what papers they own, or what causes they donate to. while that all contributes and shouldn't be omitted from judgement, i think we spend far too much time deciding we don't like people before we actually get to know them. if we spend more time on the actual human side of things, as opposed to simply adjudicating someone on what we appear to know about them, we might have more friends and less antagonism, negativity and bad stuff flying around this planet.

the distance factor: why is it that when i mentally decide not to commit, my senses work against me? why is it that i choose relationships which are ridden with problems and complications which seem unsurmountable? bah to men!

the nastiness quotient: canadian politics has become far too similar to its american counterpart. first we had the "reptilian kitten-eater from outer space" incident and now that nasty Holocaust imagery in Saskatchewan. why is politics become more rhetorical, more angry and less about substance?

the manic side: life is too crazy right now. junior deaning, co-prime-minister of the canadian club, warden of the chapel, ariel in return to the forbidden planet, president of the gargoyles and also an m.phil student! bah! anyway, i brought it on myself and i'll just need to find some time for sanity later

hope everyone's well

. . .

2003-10-08T22:31:00.000Z

dictated but not read

i had never before understood what the term "blue smoke" meant. but there it was, wafting into my office through a poorly-installed piece of plexiglass. it wasn't constant but every now and again i would get a waft and it would remind me that "the boss" was in and that his office was next to mine.

he was larger than life. you had a sense almost immediately when he walked into the office. the tone of the place changed. the whole ethos of the place was built on this self-made man who had come from the humble ranks to rule this domain, although it seemed like the world. and that was the beauty of his charisma. he made you believe that winnipeg was smack-dab in the middle of the world. he made you believe that clearly anyone who opposed his vision was either a nit-wit or a coward. he made you believe that if we all worked at it we really would make it.

our interactions were brief. i received a number of brilliant memos which were courteous, appreciative and brief. always ending with "dictated but not read"- his mantra. it reflects his strategy, his cockiness, his trust but most of all a willingness to admit that even through all the bluster and bravado- he would be willing to change his mind.

the world has lost something quite extraordinary in izzy asper. he truly was a one-of-a-kind and i feel priviledged to have met and known him.

. . .

2003-09-29T19:00:00.000Z

tropical storm mark

life is ever a circling, all-consuming rush ploughing through all that is "normal" and comfortable only to make room for gaping holes which must be addressed and, eventually, filled. however, it does not simply leave nothingness but instead traces and remnants of what was previously there so that you have to decide whether to resurrect, build over or simply abandon.

resurrection is simply a tribute to the past. however, you can never build identical to that which came before and, often, the whole exercise is futile because the circumstances have likely change and probably require something else there.

building over requires vision, leadership and a willingness to start afresh. it can, conversely, ignore the past and also requires energy that is simply not there after seeing all that you thought was stable and real crumble.

abandonment is, in many ways, the easy way out. running away and pretending there was nothing ever there seems pleasurable but is all too easily painful. also, one is constantly left with the horrible thought that someone will one day stumble upon this mess and make conclusions about what was there and who might have made it which provoke guilt and anguish over one's own legacy.

so, what is the answer? not sure... more on a less metaphorical take on my life later

. . .

2003-09-08T16:23:00.000Z

parallel lives

my friend ryan would tell me that constantly challenging your own paradigms is a good thing. that trying to shake the assumptions your life is based on is healthy if not necessary to live an ethical, thoughtful and inspired life. i agree, but it's fucking tiring.

there's been a lot of shaking going on around here. the first thing is that i'm continue to wrestle with the socially responsible means of using my life and income. i'm a massive hypocrite- claiming to be socially progressive and hoping for change while slurping up my lattes, buying my expensive shoes and aspiring to a life where i can give to charity while still have a really nice art collection. the juxtaposition is made all the more obvious when i sit down with social assistance clients who live on $520 a month in metro toronto. their rent allowance ($325) is what i would use for a cheap vacation to rome for a week. the question is there but the answer is far more difficult.

the other shake-up is that i'm reconsidering my doctorate. i'm not positive i'm cut out for the academic life or that i'm even very good at it. i love the idea of teaching but exposure to this research makes me feel increasingly insecure, self-conscious and un-clever. we'll see how i feel when i get back (and try and sort out whether or not this is just a function of a highly critical advisor), but it's something i keep thinking about especially in the face of seeing people with stable jobs, lives and relationships which reminds me of my own instability.

also, i'm thinking of leaving the church. i will still attend church (and notably the congregations i have always aligned with) but i increasingly feel that the structures of mennonite church canada are flawed and prevent a progressive voice from coming forward. i feel the church has turned its back on gays and its failure to support these people leads me to feel increasingly disappointed if not angry at the corporate body which runs the faith. while there used to be a conservative herd holding is conservative ideals, that herd is not getting active and forcing the general body to essentially become anti-gay, something i can't tolerate... on the other hand, what will simply leaving the church do but ease my conscience?

finally, i'm still questioning my own opinions on relationships. too much to get into here but needless to say i think i need a good 6 months in the yukon on my own to truly deal with my inner demons

i leave for winnipeg tomorrow night. agenda is as follows:

daytimes: research
evenings: tuesday- arrive; wednesday- golf with dad?; thursday- birthday night with mom; friday to sunday- cottage; monday to thursday- free; friday- family bbq; saturday- free, sunday- leave

hope to see many of you then! off to re-design my life

. . .

2003-08-29T16:58:00.000Z

trying to figure out this life

how to fuck a nomad up? send them "home". i'm back in canada and it really is fantastic to be back. however, it's once again a reminder of my instability, a testament to the fact that my sense of place is more likely a suitcase then an intersection or geographic point. however, part of me loves that free-spiritedness, that lack of restraint, lack of grounding. but, being up in the air can make even the most adventurous a bit noxious. what's more weird is that i sometimes have difficulty telling the differences between cities. while toronto is obviously not london or oxford or winnipeg, all of these places are familiar and so my brain just makes the switch and then it becomes "ordinary". it's very surreal.

dissertation stuff is coming along nicely. my absolute panic about how disorganised toronto was going to be has turned out to be for nothing- almost. looks like i'll get most of my observation and interviewing done early on which is great. it also looks like the people i'm working with are quite friendly and amenable to the project which should make the work a whole lot easier.

this weekend is toronto/kw reconnections. tonight, the old ousa gang. tomorrow, bryce's b-day at buddies with all the bois and sunday and monday with the kw crew and the janzen clan (including the recently engaged ben). should be a blast. anybody who i haven't been in touch with in either toronto or winnipeg, drop me a line and we can make plans. my days are booked but evenings are usually good. back to my suitcases

. . .

2003-08-26T22:31:00.000Z

time for beavers and syrup

it was weird not to wake up in edinburgh this morning. i have become accustomed to the city- with its varying levels and its tiny alleys. i had also gotten used to my routine of waking late, reading the paper, enjoying a cup of coffee, seeing some theatre, eating and then heading to do a show. this was my longest show run to date (15 shows) and i can now see how professionals can get into a groove. although, i am glad to be through with constantly nanny-ing my voice and worrying about getting sick. tonight i sleep again in london before heading to the big bad wilderness of canada...

i can't remember the last time i've been this scared about embarking on something. having been a nomad and involved in lots of different things over the years, i thought i had gotten over new-thing jitters. i guess mostly because the biggest changes over the last couple of years have been filled with excitement. with all this dissertation stuff, i am excited but fear certainly overrides most of that enthusiasm. i feel like a fish out of water and beyond my element but i am also quite worried about whether everything will come together- if i fuck this up i really don't get a second chance. anyway, tomorrow i get on a plane and thursday i show up at a social assistance office and try and get myself sorted- we'll see how it goes :)

looking forward to seeing a lot of ya over the coming month and also excited to be heading "home". safe journies to all

. . .

2003-08-16T13:45:00.000Z

power outages and sweltering heat

i'm guessing that a whole bunch of you have been internet-less for the last couple of days due to the power outages in ontario and the states. how crazy is that? i was talking to my mates here and we had a whole conversation about what would happen if the power just went out. would there be rioting? would there be mass pandemonium? it's a nice wake-up call to our dependency on technology and how much of our world is really out of our control. a good reminder...

here in edinburgh the temperatures continue to soar. our venue is a little black box and upon having numerous shows in it over the course of a day and then seating 140 people for our show with two hours of dancing, it becomes a sauna. i think i've lost two stone in the last week alone. shear craziness!

we keep selling out, i keep enjoying the relaxed atmosphere here and the friendly people. no sign of a probably pull though, which is disappointing. anyway, i love the lie-ins, the time to read for my dissertation and the random conversations...

. . .

2003-08-12T15:18:00.000Z

fringe fantastic

sorry for the lack of posts but life has been insane of late. there was a week of absolute insanity rehearsing 11 hours a day in oxford for the show we have now brought up to the edinburgh fringe festival. the festival is remarkable. it's like a city based on market square during the winnipeg fringe.

our show has blown me away. i love the idea of the show: a whole bunch of actors in an audition preparing to make the final round. we were able to create our own characters (minus the songs) and did a whole bunch of neat character exercises like thinking through our character's adolescence and writing their resume. the path to the performance has proven exceptionally successful- we sold out our first two nights and if we sell out tonight we will have broken a record for our venue! anyway, it's way cool...

in another news, the dissertation works strolls along, crises has been averted on that front (thank the lord). i fly to canada august 27th and then stay for a month. see many of you then! cheers

. . .

2003-08-01T08:28:00.000Z

one year since microsoft

a year ago the whole academic freedom/curriculum changes fiasco erupted at my old uni, waterloo. i got asked by a washington post reporter this morning to comment on whether or not i think the situation has been resolved appropriately. i said the following:

"The Microsoft fiasco at Waterloo revealed the true depth of the problem of under-funding at Canadian universities. It showed the higher-education sector desparate to meet its financial committments in the wake of increased costs and enlarged enrollment, hungry for new sources of revenue and, in many ways, stretched in its capacity for due diligence on corporate collaborations. The university's reaction, while swift and thorough, was only a testament to the enormity of the original error. My worry is not that this situation has been averted (and that academic freedom was able to be salvaged in this case) but that this is an indication of a greater trend. That in the face of budget shortfalls, universities will sacrifice their research autonomy, offering up curriculum and academic integrity to the highest bidder."

interesting to think back a year

. . .

2003-07-30T23:29:00.000Z

various miracles

i was so touched today. it had been a long, hot day on the tube. it was intolerable as it always is during rush hour and the bodies were crammed in wall to wall with one of london's infamous "rerouting" or "temorary" delays. yet, i was touched as i looked over and saw a woman- slightly aristocratic, middle-class, well-dressed and fine-speckled- crouching over as she pored through carol shields' short stories. it made my day and reminded me of how carol could make the ordinary extraordinary

. . .

2003-07-30T08:33:00.000Z

russell smith adds intrigue to the previous post

interesting quotes: "The idea that gay men and straight men are fundamentally different and that their surfaces reflect that difference reveals, to my eye, a fear of homosexuality."

"They [the modern media] are entrenching the new idea that "orientation" is an innate difference"

2003-07-28T18:18:00.000Z

a gay high school?

it's very rare that i agree with crazy right-wing conservatives, but, i too think this is ridiculous. how is that we're moving towards equality and societal cohesion when we just set up separate institutions for every minority group? the reason that i was for gay marriage and not for gay civil unions is because we should have the same institution or it necessarily cheapens it, differentiates it or at least removes it from the same category of rights.

while i can appreciate that high school is hard for teens coming out or dealing with their sexuality (believe me, i was there), i think the solution is to make high schools more accepting and dually promote tolerance for diversity and no tolerance for homophobia or discrimination. to do otherwise (as in setting up separate institutions) suggests that gay students can't learn with their straight peers and that we can never reform the system of its discriminatory nature.

finally, the logistical problem: could you join the school mid-year (considering that not everyone's coming-out coincides with the school calendar)? could you join without parental permission (considering that often the most critical group in coming out are one's parents and might not support attending a "gay" high school)? anyway, this sounds like gay rights activists on crack

. . .

2003-07-25T10:17:00.000Z

on "winning" the war

"that which you have done to the least of these, you have done to me"

the pictures leave very little to the imagination. the blood and bruising, the swollen eyes and the anguished expression are the picture of a brutal death. yet they are circulated for the purpose of proclaiming victory, a less-than-subtle way of expressing both "look what we're capable of" and "see, they really are losing". yet, at what costs are we "winning"?

on the one hand i was pleased by the publication of the pictures of Uday and Qusay Hussein. not because i am a sadist or because i enjoy the thought of pain. instead, because i think we are de-sensitised to the realities of war. we hear of casualties but are never struck by the significance. we hear of miltary campaigns but forget this means the deaths of real individuals- with families and friends and those who will be struck and left wanting by their loss. the pictures remind us that war means death, that war means brutality and things we're uncomfortable with. it's in becoming squeamish that we're reminded that war should offend our sensibilities.

yet, i am profoundly disturbed by these photos. they are exploitative, revolting and suggest a moral repugnance that should do more than offend. when pictures of dead american soldiers were broadcast, we called it a violation of the geneva conventions. a crime against the rules of war. yet, somehow this broadcast is acceptable. and why? because these men were "brutal" or, as donald rumsfeld puts it, "very bad characters".

this means they do not deserve the geneva conventions. this means that the rules that apply to war, the rules and the spirit we are fighting to protect or "liberate" aren't worth anything when applied to the enemy. it appears that freedom, respect and dignity are only things that come with being moral or being american.

this is the irony of war: that to prove the worth of human life, to prove the respect we owe human dignity and the power we entrust in freedom we must destroy it, desecrate it and cage it. the pictures speak for themselves. that which we have done to the least of these shows what we believe should be done to us all. pity.

. . .

2003-07-22T13:53:00.000Z

coronation complete

john manley is quitting the federal liberal leadership race. wow! he held out so long but i guess the practicalities of presenting policy alternatives to the martin team and ensuring a race become too difficult when no one is willing to cough up cash for a certain loser. in some ways i hope sheila sticks it out, only because i think her policies have merit and because she presents a challenge to the centre-right vision that martin proclaims. it shouldn't be an assumption that modern liberals are historical classical liberals. on the other hand, it would be interesting to see the power dynamics if she quits and jean is forced to deal with an official "leader-in-waiting" as opposed to just a likely one.

in other news, the flippin' paper is finished. i didn't sleep last night but i think the paper is better for it. it's not everything i wanted it to be but i do think i captured some of the massive scope the paper potentially had

. . .

2003-07-22T02:51:00.000Z

trying not to say anything about the p*@#&! but really find that at 3:33 in the morning and two sections left to go, it's all i can really think about

why else would i be writing a blog entry at this time of day? the really odd thing is that i find this whole topic ridiculously interesting. watching policies twist and turn over decades, watching dramatic changes in the aims of government, seeing the winners and losers in the social security pie...

anyway, in other news, my cousin is engaged. i'm very, very pleased for her and dave. unfortunately, with a wedding in october/november, it's unlikely i'm going to be able to attend. miracles may happen but the bank balance (with a trip to canada in both september and december) isn't looking too hopeful...

house-sitting in london in unique- i've learned more about construction and contracting than i ever wanted to know. i no longer have any interest in my father's job (not that i ever did). for just a glimpse of a day in this house:

7:30: work operations men arrive
7:50: work operations foreman arrives. instructs me he has 3 deliveries
8:00: architect arrives.
8:05: two of the french tilers arrive
8:15: on an inspection of the area, we realise that the gas piping done on the weekend (which shut off all the gas for the day) was done improperly and will interfere with the tiling and therefore needs to be redone.
8:30: electrician arrives and begins to fit new plugs.
8:30: guest children awake and proceed to yell and scream while they eat their breakfast
8:45: cleaning lady arrives. breaks the vacuum and tries to ask me in half portugese/half english to fix it for her.
9:00: final french tiler arrives. proceeds to meet with architect and, sometimes, me as they lay out plans for the week

that's just the morning. over the course of the day, there are 8 deliveries including timber, stone and a massive box of drief flowers which david (the homeowner) has purchased in france and had shipped to the house). the day also includes a visit from the over repairman who doesn't follow instructions meaning our oven will be out of service for a further couple days. i yell, call the architect, who calls and yells at said repairman's boss.

and tomorrow it all starts again... now, back to the fuckin' *&$%r!

. . .

2003-07-21T23:54:00.000Z

the paper continues

done with the students, the employable, the elderly and the disabled. now it's just the fucking poor and the women and the children... will it ever end?

. . .

2003-07-21T17:04:00.000Z

I HATE THIS FUCKING PAPER!

fuck- all caps is a shear sign of my current state of insanity. i had an argument with a group of people once where one person kept capitalising things and someone said it was the equivalent of shouting. i would have to say that suits my mood.

some time ago, my supervisor asked me to write a paper on social security in canada including its history and all its current program permutations. well, like the dutiful puppy i yapped yes. now, i've deferred it for as long as possible and have spent the last month reading anything even remotely related to social security (i've even read the bleepin' c.d. howe institute- i hate them!). anyway, i've spent the last two days eating domino's, drinking coffee and coke like i held stock in caffeine and just generally finding the whole experience melancholy. anyway, i'm 4500 hundred words in and still have the majority of sections to write.

i wish i just could write my summary. social security in canada for:
a) employables: thought they were poor and lazy then came the depression and thought they were just unfortunate, now think they're poor and lazy again (or a newfie fisherman)
b) the poor: thought they were underserving and stupid. changed a bit to think maybe they deserved some help (especially women and children) then changed our mind and decided to make them work.
c) the disabled: have never cared and still don't.
d) the old: they never go away so we keep throwing them a bone. for a while the bone was juicy (universal old age security) but now we try and throw it onto an ice flow and hope they chase it, float away and die.
e) women and children: used to think they were special, now they get nothing. what do you mean you can't work once you have kids? daycare? what do you think this is: romper room?
f) first nations: screwed them over, screwed them over some more, screwing them now. security? doesn't mean that putting them all in prison?

anyway, unfortunately, my supervisor wants a bit more :) it will be done tonight but i might die first. if this is grad school, i might hate it!

. . .

2003-07-17T19:19:00.000Z

sorrow

As a prairie boy from Winnipeg, I couldn't help but fall in love with the writing of Carol Shields. As study of Canadian literature suggests, this is a literature of place and of "home" in ways unlike most other national writing. And here was my home, my place in new and intriguing configurations- evoking a familiar spirit but teaching me so much more as well- about my place, about my feelings and about myself.

Carol Shields told stories which more poignantly and cogently described the human spirit and the "everyday" of life than any other. She brought to the surface our fragility, our sensitivity and our faults- yet she made it beautiful, real and compelling. She was a friend of a friend and wrote in my copy of Unless- I hope to meet you soon. Alas, it was not be, however, she has left a spirit so whole and wondrous that it shall live on through her work.

2003-07-14T18:30:00.000Z

what a blur

i find it funny that i still start every post apologizing for not updating. i don't think anyone even checks back any more because they just assume i'm saying nothing. ahh well, if it's just me in cyber space then i still get to purge all the stuff i'm thinking :)

it's still never ceases to amaze me that every year is filled with whole periods of transition for me. it never fails that in a given year, i will have some time in the year where nothing is really settled. that's very much the case now. my stuff is in storage, my body is in london, my head is in the clouds and my brain is on overdrive. i flit back and forth between oxford and london and dabble in friend groups without really being based anywhere. one day, i'm just going to park myself in a cabin in the yukon for 12 months and never leave just so i can actually see what it's like to stay in one place with myself :) i'd probably go mental...

london is fab but a lot of work. my days consist of getting up every weekday at 7:30 to let the painters or some contractors in and then running around the house for the next 4 hours letting people in, having meetings about what's happening in the house, running errands (like today where i got to go buy a 335 pound duvet- $650 CDN for a fuckin' duvet!) and just generally scurrying. then i shower and try and write this paper that my supervisor is breathing down my neck for. i've made some progress but without a computer it's been pretty much hopeless... it finally arrives tomorrow (thank the lord)

i'm a single man having ended my longest relationship to date. basically i was a twat and didn't know what i wanted and am relieved now though because i think this was actually what i wanted. i'm enjoying the simple summer of low-committment and high-fun trotting around london in search of hot boys. come the fall, i'll get cozy and comfortable and hibernate with some boi for the winter... (it's a sick pattern and i think i should expend some more energy into changing but i just can't be arsked right now)

exams went well. fell just shy of distinction but considering they haven't given one out in 5 years until the 2 this year, i feel ok with myself. there's lots of days i just feel like quitting but other days when i'm actually engaged in what i'm doing.

this week is a busy oxford one. tomorrow i'm back to do some readings for a broadcast of evensong from my college on bbc world. then my ex's birthday party. wednesday i'm back in to have dinner with one of my fave administrators from the old uni. friday i'm in for a doctor's appointment and seeing my ex in taming of the shrew. should be fun...

more to update later but i'm making no promises. love to all from the world of being in-between

. . .

2003-06-20T16:04:00.000Z

ahh, the lives we lead

i know i'm a horrible blogger who never updates but without my pretty little notebook in my room and with exams starting next week my general interest in updating has been a bit low. it's not that my life is really boring- ok, maybe just a bit boring- but it really is because i just am generally too bothered to actually sit down and write.

the world of mark rolls on. after having the week from hell last week where i felt like every important decision of my coming year (job, boys, exams) was hanging in the balance, i've now calmed down a bit and tried to actually focus on manageable tasks and answerable questions. that means leaving the big questions about what to do with my now non-relationship with my partner until after i've finished exams and trying to sort out jobs next week as well.

so, in essence, my life has been in a state of upheaval. however, oxford is still fab. the weather here has been ridiculously gorgeous of late and so revision on the lawn is basically the name of the game. who can beat learning and getting a tan in tandem? other than that, it's all about exams. i move to london next week after exams are finished. i have two big job things as well next week as i have the "will you take the job?" interview for the mansfield junior deanship as well as my "can i have the job" interview for the same post at somerville. my hopes are on somerville.

once in london, there's the centeneray which should be fab. a big posh party in westminster hall and a reception in the national portrait gallery. tony blair will be there as will president mbeke of south africa. we also have an inkling bill and hilary will be there because chelsea's wrapping up here and hilary is doing a book signing at borders here on the 5th which is just in time for the centenary. in other exciting news, i get to have a drinks reception with the queen in october! too bad i'm not invited to will's 21 this weekend :(

anyway, must go and revise. hi to all i haven't chatted with in forever and sorry to those still awaiting e-mails. life will soon calm down and i can get back to my normal net-happy self...

. . .

2003-06-05T13:54:00.000Z

a random smattering of schtuff

i have trouble understanding where the weeks go. it feels like it was just the start of term and now i'm at the end of 6th week which is just craziness. less than 3 weeks before my exams start! richard finished his exams yesterday which was a smashing good time. besides getting covered in glitter and being forced to hold ridiculous balloons (including a giant bert and ernie one), he just basically got wankered and stumbled home so i could put him to bed.

my quest for work for next year is going well. i have two interviews next week and should hear back about another one in a week and a bit. unfortunately, the job with the latest closing date is the job i most want so i have to think about how i can strategically deal with the unlikely possibility that i get two offers.

my dance rehearsals for edinburgh begin in earnest next week. two hours on monday, four hours tuesday, four hours wednesday and four hours saturday. more poor little feetsies will be dead by the end of it.

i have a big rant inside on gay marriage waiting to get out but i don't have the time right now so look for it in the coming days...

hiya to all of you out there and sorry if i haven't replied to your e-mails yet- will get to them soon.

. . .

2003-06-02T20:55:00.000Z

what the internet thinks of me

i got the following off of www.googlism.com today. if you type my name you get:

mark schaan is working on projects to make the quality of education at uw even better
mark schaan is a busy man
mark schaan is officially on the blogwagon
mark schaan is waterloo's most recent rhodes scholar

interesting series of posts!

. . .

2003-06-01T18:18:00.000Z

back to the happy world of blogging

sometimes life gets a bit crazy and you find that you just can't keep up as much as before. life has been well here but i've been concentrating a lot of just getting things done and there hasn't been much time for such extras as sending lots of e-mails or updating my blog. so, hence the month-long lag in finally getting to posting...

i'll try and cover the last month over the next couple of days but i'll start with a few quickies:

-*- had a great birthday including breakfast in bed from my sweet partner and a beautiful silver chain for a present. my show, a sunday in the park with george, opened that night which was a fun show to work on but too much work for the satisfaction i derived from it.

-*- got completely sucked in by summer eights- the annual rowing festivities here in oxford. my friend katie bumped each day which means she got blades which was extraordinary to watch and just really exciting.

-*- my dissertation proposal has been approved and i'm in the midst of trying to root in an academic theoretical framework that i actually understand.

-*- i'm moving to london for the month of july. should be a blast but would be better if i had work!

more later!

. . .

2003-05-05T22:49:00.000Z

john wilson

he was a charicature. one of those people who is simply larger than life. he was a curmudgeon: he could be ghastly rude, completely unpleasant and seriously condescending. however, he could also be hilarious: he could make you burst into a smile when he did that little swivel of his chin and his famous wink. he never changed: 25 years earlier he was still writing and spouting the same things. he was an idealist, a visionary and as sharp as a wit. he was dogmatic, rhetorical and full of life.

i still remember the first time i walked into john's classroom. he clearly took control of the room, made a few jabs at some students he recognized and then proceeded to inform the class that these lessons, more than any others we would be forced to take, would be ground-breaking and life-changing and were a requirement of good canadian citizenship. he was unabashedly patriotic, espousing a view of canada so wholesome, idyllic and beautiful it's no surprise so many of his students were enchanted with it.

he was a solid academic but not solidly academic, if you can understand the distinction. he hated people who weren't interested in the ideas behind learning but instead were only interested in living off of learning. he was not interested in the publishing game, he wasn't interesting in holding offices for their sake. what he committed to, he did with the utmost passion. he was a fierce negotiator, a brutal enemy but a dear friend. his ideas were clear: political progress lay in the creation of an alternative politics- political maturity lay in the acceptance of a social democratic/labour force. regardless of whether this force was ever elected to lead, they were there to wreak havoc on the system and to use the forces available to them as opposition to admonish the government and force it on to the straight path (something that could summarize john's life, really).

i can still recall him telling me about his christmas party conversations with, then VP Academic, Jim Kalbfleisch. As he was the Faculty Association President, Jim had come over to wish him a merry christmas and john simply said something like: "if i had my wish, i would string you up from the top of the ceiling by your legs". he wasn't one for formalities, nor for hiding his opinion. but deep down, he respected the process, he loved the "art of being a nuisance" and eventually could even be persuaded that the people on the other end of the bargaining table weren't completely evil.

he had no sense of fashion- the same outfit every day for years. he was obsessed with systems- there is no more complex an order for getting things done than in the centre for election studies at uw. he was moody- he once responded to "good afternoon" with "what's good about it?". he was flirtatious- no woman could avoid his occassional comment about the "finer sex". yet it was all of his gargantuan characteristics that made him the mensch that he was. he will be sorely. missed.

2003-04-28T15:10:00.000Z

sun comes up on another day

i'm listening to molly johnson and even though it's grey and gloomy outside the window, it just feels like a happy day. i like days when i do lots of errands because they make me feel as if i'm getting something done even though they amount to just spending money, visiting the bank and generally running around town with no particular goal.

today is my friend sara's 21st birthday party. it should be quite the posh affair and i'm quite looking forward to it. i find it interesting that the british make a big deal out of 21st's even though they don't really correspond with anything monumenal except that in some cases (if you're at uni in a 3 year course), it's the year of your finals.

i bought a new shirt and tie for the occassion. it's a purple shirt with a purple, black, white blend tie. it goes perfectly with my "lilac" cufflinks... richard told me i looked decidedly middle-management as a joke but it reminded me of just how class-based this crazy little country is. i don't find that where you come from or what your money lineage is makes nearly as big a deal in canada. like if you said, my dad's a tory senator in canada, people would probably laugh. if you say you're landed gentry here it's as if you just said that you rose from the dead!

. . .

2003-04-21T04:19:00.000Z

back to the uk tomorrow

Which Famous Homosexual are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

2003-04-18T05:45:00.000Z

walks in the desert

vacations always do weird things for me. they often tell me things that are going on in my life that i couldn't previously bring into focus- all the stuff that lingers beneath the surface, waiting for an opportune time to be discovered and dealt with. this vacation i have learnt that my last term at oxford left me emotionally and intellectually exhausted. i thought this vacation would be a time to read fiction like a librarian, return to social-butterfly status and invest myself in my new academic projects. instead i have read little more than 100 pages in the one book i started at the start of term, had the requisite social engagements without investing significant effort into seeing everyone under the sun and have put off even the mandatory academic work. in short, i'm tired and i don't quite know why.

i gave two chapels at my old high school in my first week back here in winnipeg. i did them both on the lenten theme of wandering in the desert. i talked about the deserts i have experienced emotionally and spiritually and about the wonderful lessons we learn while adrift and unsure of the final destination. we learn to appreciate when we find "home" and we learn to take away that piece of isolation which shows us god is still there. i think i'm feeling pretty "in the desert" at this stage- it's a product of coming "home" and finding myself distant and unsure of where i stand here (that pang of desire to be with this steady rock of people and a similar desire to flee away from it because i've "changed"), a product of just too many years of moving and academic investment and a product of challenging some of the core assumptions i live by (why the hell do i think i have something to offer my current subject area? is pacifism really a workable ideology? is it really obvious to anyone outside of my own rationalized brain that i'm a christian?)... it all makes me tired.

i hope this desert yields something tangible and wonderful to route my life in a decent direction. for now, i'm off to bed

. . .

2003-03-29T01:04:00.000Z

maple leaves and funny accents

sorry for the lack of updates. i won't even try and come up with decent excuses as i've been on vacation since monday but i have been generally busy. the end of term was a nightmare in terms of trying to get stuff done. jesus christ superstar went fantastically. it may not be the most brilliant musical but it was really a great friendship experience to work with such a great cast who clearly cared a lot about their work and also understood that amateur theatre should be fun. unfortunately, my voice began to suffer after a term of uber-singing so my last couple of shows were largely a function of the drugs i was taken to bring down my throat swelling and pretend as if i didn't have a massive cold.

i also have come to discover that i have the sweetest significant other in the world. just before i left he took me to london and we spent a fantastic night in a posh boutique hotel and had dinner at mirrabelle which was so stunning. the wine was unbelievable and it was just so nice to have a great night out. plus spending it with someone i feel so comfortable with was also a big plus...

i've been back in canada since monday and it's really refreshing. the spring weather has been fantastic. i was somehow thinking that it was going to much colder than oxford but the weather has basically been identical to the warm spell that i left in the uk. it's been really great to re-connect with people. i appear to be much the same as i was when i left just filled with silly words and the occasional odd lilt! anyway, all is well. i will be in kw for all of next week and then it's off to the 'peg. look forward to seeing many of you in the coming days...

. . .

2003-03-16T14:05:00.000Z

crackpots and crackwhores

it's so frustrating when blogger eats your posts. anyway, what i was trying to say in a post which has now vanished into the ethereal world, is that bernard landry is clearly a crackpot whose maniacal schemes should offend every self-respecting quebecer. there's a growing popularity within social policy towards studying the idea of conditionality. while hardly new, conditionality is become an increasingly popular means by which governments try and control the behaviour of certain groups by linking benfits with some sort of socially accepted behaviour. for the most part, this has meant trying to link benefits for the poor with some other "normative behaviour" like getting a job or getting married before having children. bernard landry clearly smoked some crack and then read a book about this idea.

it's one thing (which i still don't agree with) to try and make people receiving employment insurance benefits visit a jobcentre each week, or try and link a housing allowance for poor individuals with staying in a job longer than 6 months, or linking a space in a council estate with staying drug-free. it's another thing to link two realms which are not at all proven to be causally linked: like student loan debt relief and having babies. i have read the research that landry is making this decision upon, having even promoted it is propaganda value when fighting against student debt. this research suggests that people will delay future life choices (such as buying a house or having a child) if they feel financially unstable or have limited resources (like devoting a good chunk of your disposable income to paying off your student loan). however, as interesting as this research is, it goes nowhere near expressing a causal link. for landry to link the two is completely absurd. to ignore the plight of student debt for the non-procreating, to create personal financial incentives for children (as opposed to household incentives like the child benefit which simply works that the government will help support you with the expenses you incur from having a child) that necessarily commodifies children in a sick way, to discriminate against those who can not or choose not to have children is socially regressive, prejudiced and indicative of a social policy gone awry. i hope quebecers will spot it as such...

in other news, i'm on my day off from rehearsals for jesus christ superstar. term has wrapped up and i have only one more paper to complete! the show is going to be fantastic and then i'm on vacation :) today is the official day to lie in, have a bath and have dinner with friends :)

2003-03-11T00:16:00.000Z

the end and beginning of the new multi-lateralism

dear guy,

i was reflecting on our conversation the other day about iraq and how you believed war could be allowable only because you believe in the united nations. you suggested that war was acceptable because it was coalition decisions such as this one that were the raison d'etre and ultimate balance of power the united nations was intended for. i've given the argument a lot of thought, but, at the end of it all i have to say i think i'm afraid of the set of options the united nations faces and about what the future of this "balance of power" looks like.

i have to admit i used to have a very optimistic outlook for the united nations. it was moving towards a concept i was fascinated with in my undergraduate days: "the new multi-lateralism". it looked as if the new century's trajectory for the united nations included a committment to "human security", most evident through the creation of the international criminal court; a passionate dialogue with non-governmental organizations and third parties, notable through the continuing discussions around the united nations international declaration of human rights and its significant side-treatise; and a willingness to pursue both "soft" and "hard" diplomacy, notable through dialogue surrounding human rights abuses and ethnic conflict. it appears now that the united nations and the new multilateralism is doomed to fail.

the united states has contended that the un has been snookered by iraq for the past twelve years by evading weapons inspectors. they have maintained that these weapons inspections have been unable to locate the weapons of mass destruction the us believes iraq has. the united states is also arguing that regardless of weaponry of mass destruction, iraq is in need of "regime change" as the current administration is inhumane, unelected and dangerous.

for the first point, the security council has put intense focus and pressure on the united nations weapons inspection force and the atomic energy committee. significant resources have been diverted to blix and el baradei to provide them with the staff, technology and money to be able to carry out their work. they have received limited cooperation from the repressive regime of iraq (not surprising) but have had recent "success" in pursuing disarmament. the problem for the united states is that they have given up hope in the entire inspections process and are attempting to convince their security council colleagues of the futility of this exercise.

for the second point, the united states is attempting to envelope their frustration into work on the previous. a new resolution to replace 1441 would not only end weapons inspections but would also allow the us to pursue a war where "regime change" is ultimately a goal. unlatching the possibility for a new politics in the middle east and a us gateway into security for both us oil and friends in israel, a successful war in iraq would bring us foreign policy to bounteous fruition. herein lies the problem with this being the united nations.

the problem with the us's agenda and the united nations is probably best expressed in a recent comment made by colin powell. "If the United Nations does not act, there is still a legal basis and moral basis and legitimacy to the United States and other nations acting,". this is the end of the "collective security" raison d'etre of the un.

there is essentially two roads diverging currently for the un security council and both of them highlight its widening faults. on the one hand, the un could pass a new resolution which would effectively endorse a war in iraq. while this seems highly unlikely (with ivory coast warkhawk/friend of mugabe turned "dove" chiraq nearly guaranteeing a veto), it would not come about by the will of the security council. it would come about grudgingly in the hopes of saving the security council. in some contexts we call these kinds of decisions "made under duress" or "unwilling agreements" and they paint a nasty future for the face of collective security. on the other hand, the united nations could turn down a new resolution imposing timelines and nearly guaranteeing war. the us will go to war anyway. this effectively destroys the notion of "collective security", erodes the balance of power and suggests that there is no longer a global consensus on how to deal with conflict.

the new multilateralism so widely lauded at the beginning of this century is then dead. there is no human security in the face of unilateral decision-making. there is no consultation when "collective security" is one country pursuing their foreign policy obejectives come hell or high water. the united nations security council was created in a hope that we could avoid nasty global conflict by placing some state decision-making power into the collective with the hopes that consensus would emerge, that dialogue could be utilized and that the fears of mutual consequence from war could be a framework for joint decision-making. the crises of iraq has shattered these hopes for the un. regardless of whether war in iraq is justified, regardless of whether regime change is crucial, this war has already ended a hope that multi-laterialism and collective security would be the building blocks of the new millennium for the united nations.

2003-03-07T12:57:00.000Z

comfort

the rain is falling steadily, the clouds moving at such a gate that it's clear the wind is running a 100m dash. i sit warm and ponderously in my room, sipping orange juice as craig cardiff smoothly croons about judy garland... "every song sounds like a love song, and every kiss feels like your first, and i know i'm always losing you, better, then bad and and back to worse"

i feel at peace although there is no peace around me. well-funded, "realistic" men make decisions about ending lives in terms that are scientific and calculated and cloaked in pictures which make us think cartoon super-heroes are about to save the world. i am torn... i think of moxy singing "this kind of life makes that violence unthinkable, we'd like to play hockey, have kids and grow old" but then wonder how easy that position is... relax and sit warmly while ignoring the world around me... maybe it's time to go outside and get wet?

2003-03-06T00:23:00.000Z

longitude

it's really weird when the "real world" is made real in your own pretty microcosm. i was reading the globe and cbc in the common computer today and saw the post about today's suicide bombing in haifa. i turned to my friend dalia, an israeli citizen, to let her now. she immediately called her partner on his mobile and then called her friends in israel on their mobiles to make sure they were all ok [they were] but it just hit home a bit

please note that when i whinge on my blog it's not somehow to be "woe as me" but to reflect my feelings of stress. i wasn't attempting to suggest that my life was a desparate slog of toil and strife but simply to say that i was feeling down. i know that there is much worse in the world but the relativity of our globe doesn't always fit into my own puzzle

bill graham wrote a feel-good piece in today's globe which was supposed to be about war but was more about being smiley, happy multicultural canadians. i think it was a veiled attempt at saying something constructive in a time of confusion but i think it just made him look like a head in the clouds when the world is collapsing at his feet

i am not going to japan this summer but richard is

2003-03-03T09:52:00.000Z

choices

there are times when i simply want to reject free will. just make me a puppet, make me know at all times what my purpose is, show me the aisle lit up in the event of an emergency to ensure i find the safe exit. unfortunately, i'm stuck with free will (unless i sell my life), and now i need to live with the choices.

i'm agonizing over a whole bunch of big things i need to sort out rather promptly. i need to decide what i'm doing about jobs for next year, i.e. whether or not i'm going to apply for junior dean jobs. this has a major impact on the house i'm supposed to be living in next year and the people i'm to be living with. this also impacts whether or not i'll run for welfare officer for the mcr committee. i'm leaning towards yes on the junior dean front, no on the house/welfare front.

i also need to sort out my schedule for next year. when will i go to australia for 2 months so as to ensure i get the most amount out of it research-wise? can i live with another christmas away from home? when else can i get that long a block of time?

then there's the summer: will i get the part in shakespeare to go to japan? if so, am i reneging on edinburgh? also, where the hell am i going to live?

anyway, it's been a stressful time with school, performances/rehearsals and all of these impending decisions... i think i'll just follow the pretty lights down the aisle now

. . .

2003-02-20T15:20:00.000Z

budgets, drama and all that jazz

sorry for the delay in writing... no excuses, just am. anyway, i had a valentine's day of bliss. i built a bedouin tent in my room (complete with a ring of lilies around the edge of it) and the beau and i had dinner within it. i bought a really great (fantastic, really) bottle of chateauneuf de pape, had brie-stuffed chicken in cream sauce with twice-baked potatoes and peppers and then after a little bit of bailey's haagendaz ice cream enjoyed chocolate-dipped strawberries and a great bottle of champagne. it was lovely. i was treated to flowers and being whisked to london soon for theatre and dinner :) i'm a happy boi

. . .

all my realms seem to be exploding with drama right now. the mcr of my college is in a tiff over election rules and political motivations and appears to have exploded into caddy e-mails. the rhodes list has been in knot over postings about the war. at least, for the most part, i've been saved and basically just spend most of my time hanging out :)

. . .

the budget came down yesterday. filled with cash for everyone and 11 year spending committments, it was essentially a case of some for all and all for none. i really wonder if canada has contemplated what it's core competencies are... why are we dabbling in universalism in health if we're not prepared to raise taxes to truly overhaul it? why are we "playing" at a military role when we can't ship our kids anywhere because we have no boats, etc.? why are we pretending to be good at managing diversity when for the most part we've largely failed? some times i feel like trading in my passport and moving to sweden :) or maybe i'll just become a consultant and write invisible $286,000 reports about how to choose core competencies :)

, . .

i need to write a paper right now... back to not procrastinating...

. . .

2003-02-12T19:52:00.000Z

the inconsiderate soul that i am

sorry for the lack of updates and for the lame quiz responses. however, i've been pretty crazy with school work with lots of presentations and papers and i've come down with a nasty flu/fever/cold that i'm trying to kick. i thought it was basically gone this afternoon but it turns out i'm still feeling a bit sinus-plugged and generally achey...

this led to funny events this afternoon though. i was in my social policy analysis class of about 12 people. there are group presentations each week and we have to take turns doing them. i had just taken some medication just prior to the class and so it started to kick in about 25 minutes in. unfortunately, this medication has drowsiness as a side-effect and so right in the middle of my friend lisa speaking, i kind of start to drift. this would all be good except the class is small and so some people notice. notably, one of the very assertive presenters. she stops the presentation and says "i think it's very rude that you are sleeping" and carries on in that tone. thankfully, the class supervisor knew i was sick and calmed down the situation. all in all, a bit dramatic though :)

i'm booking flights to toronto and winnipeg today or tomorrow. looks like my itinerary is somethings like this:

march 24: fly into t.o.
april 7: fly to winnipeg
april 22: fly back from both

more soon

. . .

2003-02-10T10:19:00.000Z

Gay Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-02-10T10:04:00.000Z

Where do you fall on the liberal - conservative political spectrum? (United States)
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-02-10T10:02:00.000Z

Hey Princess! Get off your cell phone and listen
up! There is more to life than the mall, boys,
and your hair. You are the typical look-
obsessed, popular "cool" girl.

What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-02-01T16:46:00.000Z

bliss

it's been a wild and fun week in the world of mark. my apologies for not updating more frequently but i've had quite the mad week. presentations, papers, etc., etc. i won't bore you with the interior views of my studies. however, it's also been a lot of fun this week. great bonding with my college mates, great cooking encounters with my corridor-mate dave, tremendous fun (and hard work) with my course mates and a lot of good time with a certain really sweet brit...

anyway, apparently i write really esoteric political stuff too often so i won't post the latest editorial thought that's been running through my head. i will just say that in response to jeffrey simpson's conviction of saddam hussein as a "demon" in this war, that this war is not about a shortage of "devils" but a lack of "angels" which is the true difficulty...

heather mallick scores big again today with her anti-anti-abortionist column and leah mclaren has all the fabulous insight one might need about "pay-back dinners"... hope you are all finding peace and excitement in your lives...

more soon

. . .

2003-01-26T20:17:00.000Z

I'm a Heretic!

Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim's Cartoons

2003-01-25T15:21:00.000Z

beauty queen

want to be a fucking beauty queen? read heather mallick in today's globe... she cracks me up! favorite lines from the piece:

"I have strong opinions on the duties of a beauty queen. Many of you will disagree. (Do not write to me.)"

"For those of you who don't know what Touche Eclat is, that's my point. A beauty queen would know that it is the undereye circle concealer used by Madonna. That it works. That it is expensive."

"Many duties devolve on a Miss Canada. It is much more than one's residence. It is a quickness of wit, a quality of mind, a sprezzatura, as the Italians say. And if you don't know what that means, you are not qualified to rule over us, you ignorant, albeit pretty, little tartlet."

it appears i will never be miss canada

. . .

2003-01-24T12:20:00.000Z

manic

ha, ha! how funny. i write on isolation and no one comments because it's supposed to be about isolation. you people are so witty!

life here has gone mad. this term comprises 5 papers, 4 presentations, one methods critique, one survey development exercise and paper and a qualitative methods exercise and paper. all very crazy especially since i'm still trying to sing in 2 groups and do 2 shows. but so be it... i'm actually eating well and getting up early though which is exciting. the key to both of these: doing them with other people- and no not in the sense that i'm sharing my bed but just that i make early morning breakfast appointments with people who have to be in the lab by 9!

in the spirit of all the blogs i read, i feel like i need to do some sort of list. so, here's my shot at the top 10 things i would really like at this moment:

10) an extra high-wattage adaptor for my space heater (my feet get cold at my desk)
9) an extra day before my presentation on tuesday (yeah social exclusion!)
8) a non-time needy boi who satisfies all my needs (yes, all of them!)
7) the ability to download music from my college
6) the ability to use msn on my machine at college
5) a globe and mail print copy that arrived daily (and was actually for that day)
4) a good view of northern lights
3) sushi from wasabi with friends
2) a photographic memory
1) play time with noah

. . .

2003-01-21T14:44:00.000Z

on isolation

i hit a button and it was gone. don't you love when you write a really long post and then manage to lost it because of some silly human error. anyway, i will now try and replicate what i just spent 15 minutes writing

* * *

most of what i want to write about today is on the theme of isolation. isolation is an interesting concept because isolation can either be self-imposed or can be brought upon you. self-imposed isolation is essentially a retreat from the world in which we life. while often helpful for contemplative times, it can inevitably lead to a disconnect between you and the time/space/people you live in and with. isolation imposed upon you is a virtual prison- essentially robbing you of the power to control certain parts of the world around you. while occasionally necessary to diminish tension or anxiety (a time-out of sorts) it can eventually lead to a captive/master relationship and can fly in the face of self-determination. with this in mind, here are some isolated thoughts...

* * *

the federation of students at my old uni (waterloo) have essentially had isolation imposed upon them. while i have often sympathized with the actions or at least the position university adminstrators have been placed in, i feel that the administration has systematically rejected the working relationship built up over decades with the feds. until further information is revealed, i have no other option but to believe that the administration has become hungry for a piece of the feds bar action and has manipulated a situation to achieve this end. this flies in the face of the continued comment from admin that the feds are the single and primary voice of students and suggests that they are somehow now more capable of determining what is good for the student body. isolating this autonomous body can only be unhealthy for the cohesion of the university and could end up being a rather nasty situation for admin. students run their own autonomous organization for a reason and this isolation could rip the university apart.

* * *

an interesting editorial by jeffrey simpson in the globe today on canada's continued stray into the wilderness on foreign policy- decreased contributions but continued moral superiority. essentially canada wants to be in the world but not of it and continues to approach the world with moral smugness and empty pockets. it seems interesting that so much of the academic literature on foreign policy in the 70's and 80's focused on the detrimental effects of american isolationism and that canada has now fallen into the same trap. while canada still "plays along" on occassions (afghanistan, iraq) their continued lack of contribution to world problems seems unhealthly in an incresingly interdependent world where cooperation is key. perhaps we need to take a lesson from the past and start to cooperate...

* * *

it looks like i have settled on a dissertation topic. i will be examining the level of interaction between individual programs within income support policies and whether they have improved success (over isolated programs) for high-need groups. i'll be focusing on australia and canada which should make for some fun field trips!

* * *

i've been meaning to blog for some time about the life of pi by yann martel. compelling, subversive, charming and evocative, i found this book to be deeply moving. essentially the story of a boy in complete isolation from the world and his encounters with the divine/the world. i am intrigued by what seems like the systematic dismissal in organized religion for divine intervention. while contemporary mass religion seems perfectly willing to believe in some sort of divinely inspired text/events of the past, they seem to complete rule out the possibility of some sort of revelation in the hear and now. i find this especially relevant to reading the last chapter of life of pi (as my friend daryl pointed out, it's brilliant). is it possible for us to believe in an encounter with the divine that is personal and unique in today's and age? if we heard of someone's revelation would we think of them as loony?

* * *

another interesting article in the globe yesterday about the big 10 universities and their growing isolation from the rest of the gang. i had similar concerns in my vped days about the big 5 in ontario. are we finding a systems solution to pse in ontario/canada or are we buckling to the desires of a few key players?

* * *

enjoy the company of strangers

2003-01-18T16:15:00.000Z

2003-01-17T10:34:00.000Z

random

***
novel

"isn't the beach grand?" she asks in that shy tone which suggests she would have said nothing if it really weren't beautiful. i am consistently overwhelmed by her piousness towards the ordinary. it almost suggests that if the sun were at the very right angle to make sparkles on the water or if the snow drifted exactly to form a wave crest against the edge of a wall, everything in her world would remain ok. i wish i had her sense of awe. instead, i find myself playing cynic to all that's around me. earlier in the afternoon a shop clerk discounted my usual chocolate bar from 56 pence to only 50 so i could pay with only one coin. rather than think of paying the good deed forward, i retrenched into my usual sarcastic recesses to think this was just a cheap marketing ploy to keep me coming back now that there's a rival shop across the street. alas, i search for something wholesome and yet do so with shattered lenses.

i don't remember how i met her, but i know now that she's become part charge and part guardian in this wayward existence i lead.

***
yahweh

the long fingers extend forward pushing from the wrist in what is clearly an intentional gesture outward,
the palm is flat and the the curve of the fingers upward seem to clasp around an invisible sphere of something-
perhaps energy, perhaps light or maybe just a child's red ball retrieved after too much raucous playing.
the gesture suggests mercy, suggests healing and yet, at its biological core, is just muscles and tendons,
tightening and loosening.
"come to me" becomes "alms" and vice versa, asking and giving in the very same motion...

the long fingers extend outward pushing from the wrist in what is clearly an act of force and determination,
the palm is flat but the fingers rise upward to seem like impregnable mountains on the side of a deserted valley,
it is easy to see this is anger and humiliation and contempt in the simple connection of bones and muscles moving,
"why?" is all it asks and i must say i agree

so many portraits of the same gesture and yet no resolution to his opposition

. . .

2003-01-11T16:00:00.000Z

life in all its many computations

it's been days of fun but also days of much thinking. the piazzas provide wonderful spaces for solace, sun-soaking and great conversation. john and i are in such separate spaces in lives and it's illuminating for the two of us to discuss our separate lives. john is looking to buy a house, hoping to go to an all-inclusive and wants to settle down with a boy. i am just as nomadic and floating as ever- restlessly seeking out outlets for creativity, love, performance and thought. for one of the moments in some time, reflecting on john's life and my own made me see my isolation from so much and so many, my relative deprivation of long-term committment both in friends, lovers and family and the serious amount of time and thought in my life which is help captive in my mind. i do not feel void of friends of human contact, just that i realize how much of my life is fragmented and piece-meal, making for amazing mosaics of culture and people but no real cohesion...

- - -

john and i saw leonarado di caprio today. we were about twenty feet away as he strolled down the steps of the mayor's residence on capitoline hill in rome. he's here because parts of gangs of new york were shot here. interesting that in the montage of images that make up this trip there will be great works of antiquity, amazing renaissance paintings, baroque sculpture without parallel and a sex symbol of reasonable acting acument

- - -

i am touched by so many emotions upon seeing both the construction and deconstruction of previous cultural episodes. i wonder what we will remember of this age, i wonder if we have provided the support necessary to ensure we leave a legacy, i wonder what place i have in the massive universe in which we live and i am struck again at the relative uneasiness i have about my future path

- - -

more soon

- - -

2003-01-07T17:58:00.000Z

what a country, what a life!

so far we have travelled by plane (london to rome), train (rome to naples, naples to pompeii, pompeii to sorrento, sorrento to naples), bus (airports to london and rome, capri to anacapri, grand marina to capri), boat (sorrento to grand marina return), cable car (capri to grand marina), chair lift (anacapri to the top of a mountain) and foot (oh my god, the places they've been!).

we're totally bushed and exhausted after having spent a day with the Pope today. frail? whatever. ok, so we didn't meet him. but the vatican museum was phenomenal and st. peter's was everything that i had hoped it would be after studying it for way too long. we were in capri yesterday (no mariah carey- i guess she's done her breakdown) where everything was closed but we were still able to go up the mountain for the most fantastic views i have ever seen. the day before was pompeii which was, again, a lot of walking but also thoroughly fascinating...

so, the trip has been stimulating but draining. tomorrow is our reprieve- john's birthday, our trip to florence and basically an appointment with relaxation. more soon

. . .

2003-01-04T23:04:00.000Z

my feet have never been so tired

wow! i can't believe how much of antiquity i have seen in the last 13 hours! it's been absolutely phenomenal. john and i got into rome yesterday morning and were completely nackered from a red-eye bus to stansted and an early morning ryan air flight. so, after a bit of a nap we just wandered rome. so today was the adventurous day of sight-seeing like mad!

we started it out with a cafe latte and a brioche chocolata (oh my good- a croissant dipped in nutella- so fucking good!), then headed to the coliseum. wandered in and around- pretty amazing and so big. i can't believe 9000 men died in there in one 100-day stint. anyway, then we were off to the forum where we picked up an amazing guided tour (for free!) from this great american. so much history and fun crammed into 80 minutes. then we wandered up to palatine hill as we attempted to decipher the rick steves' map... then we wandered for some pizza, chilled a bit, then met up for an evening tour of rome including all the major piazzas, the pantheon and the trevi fountain. incredible!

tomorrow we leave for pompeii and try and find a place to stay as we see pompeii, capri (home of the pants) and sorrento. then we're back for a tour of the vatican with our new tour guide friend, florence for two days, the bhorgese gallery and the capitolina gallery, and just some shopping. it's manic, mad but so much fun!

hope all is well in your worlds

. . .

2003-01-03T21:11:00.000Z

oh god, what have i done

so, hree i sit in my hostel in rome after indulging in a full litre of wine at the restaurant and now i'm subjecting myself to "general banter" of a WHOLE TON OF AMERICANS in the computer room. granted, a good chunk of my friends in oxford are americans, but these are 17 year old americans- some of whom are currently puking in a pot they just puked in, some of whom are rambling about the wonders of germany and others are talking about how they either love canada because the drinking age is low or they hate it because they had difficulty transferring in the airport in montrea; :)

anyway, so be it. i'm sure they're all very nice people... rome is fantastic except fucking confusing. really hard to find your way around. tomorrow we're getting up early to see the coliseum, the pantheon and a whole bunch of other stuff. the next day is pompeii, then we're back for a day seeing the vatican, then it's off to florence to hang with friends....

anyway, apart from falling down an escalator, spilling coffee all over myself and dropping random articles of luggage- i've done ok for travelling. miss you all and i'll check in soon

. . .

2002-12-30T13:25:00.000Z

wonders never cease

so two nights in a row i have tried to feel all cool and electric-circus like and update my blog from the club in manchester (essential), however their computers clearly suck ass (bad ass, not to be confused with good ass), and therefore i have been unable to keep you posted on my world... alas, manchester is fun. john and i have had two good days of "lying in" which was much-needed after the craziness that was london... fun but lots of clubbing...

anyway, we basically haven't seen much of manchester but have gotten to know the club scene well. today is our down-day of shopping, coffee and probably a movie... must run but more later

. . .

2002-12-26T14:59:00.000Z

the weirdest christmas ever

i think just due to the fact that this was my first christmas not in winnipeg with my family it was due to be weird. but this was even weirder than expected. it was great though. a vegetarian christmas in a room full of jews! classic. my friend dalia and her partner adam played wonderful hosts and we gorged on vegetarian haggis (adam's scottish), my squash/apple/brie soup, guacamole, tofu and mushrooms and a whole bunch of desserts. it was really great fun and it was kind of interesting to be with such a unique collection of people for a day which has always been so full of the regulars for me.

getting to dalia's was a bit of a bitch because on christmas all the cabs decide to be extortionists and charge 2-4x the normal rate (damn the tube being down!). anyway, today the tube is back up and john and i are just cruising london. it's blissful ust wandering around and lookin at all the potential shopping we're going to do tomorrow. it's going to be a bit manic: tate modern, victoria and albert gallery, zara, diesel, harrod's, harvey nichol, fcuk plus clubbing at night...

tonight we're off to heaven for some hot clubbing left!

. . .

2002-12-23T12:02:00.000Z

just 'cause i saw the movie yesterday

Which HP Kid Are You?

2002-12-22T22:15:00.000Z

countdown underway

christmas is in just 3 short days! and john gets here in 2! it's going to be very hard for me not to just rip open those presents immediately when john gets here but i think i should be able to keep some resolve. christmas morning is not too far away. then it's off to my "unique" "christmas" celebration with my jewish friends where the atheists, the mennonite, the jews and a few stray americans will gather round for some vegetarian cuisine, open christmas crackers and get shit-faced on bailey's... happy christmas!

in other random and irritating news, it appears that the majority of people in canada are bigots. in a recent poll for global (should i be surprised) it was found that a startling 46% believe a good solution to our current border insecurity is to ban new immigrants from muslim countries. isn't that brilliant? let me just check- it must be 1950 and strom thurmond is the new prime minister of canada! honestly people- do you really believe that muslims are the real problem? maybe it's because after the christians tried to kill everyone else (the crusades), steal all their resources (imperialism), run their countries (colonialization) and restrict the rights of the rest of the world ("diplomacy"), some people finally got a little pissed off. even with that being said, let's recap... stalin: not a muslim, hitler: not a muslim, george bush sr.: not a muslim, george bush jr.: not a muslim, oppenheimer: not a muslim, timothy mcveigh: not a muslim, paul bernardo: not a muslim, david koresh: not a muslim... seems to me like we should stop letting white people into canada as they're the real fucking problem.

out of a need to vent (recognizing this will be indecipherable to most of the world but, hey, this is my blog)... my heart is filled with so much hate. to have someone i love be hurt so badly. i don't believe in hell and i truly want to keep christian thoughts in my head but today i really wish that if there was a really extra hot spot in hell that i could banish them all for the pain they have caused my family...

venting complete. more happy christmas stuff to follow soon!

. . .

2002-12-19T12:24:00.000Z

what if?

take life back two steps and imagine if you hadn't made that choice. now speed forward and see if it's all the same. is life a linear line or is just a big game of snakes and ladders and things we think are "progress" are really just taking us back to the point at which we began. as someone new to sociology, i'm only now started to become fascinated with this whole idea of causation. what makes things go? how do things happen?

i'm interested not only from an academic perspective but from a personal one. how did i get to where i was today? what variables explain the greatest amount of variance between my life now and what it would have been if i had made other choices? and is this whole notion of choice just a big farce? i had a friend who recently espoused a theory that as we near the holidays a whole bunch of people start trucking out an ecumenical argument that regardless of your belief, as long as we all commit to the ideal of treating others as we would want to be treated, the world will end up ok. this friend suggested that this argument or ideal is only one strategy for ensuring preservation. that maybe killing all your enemies is equal if we hold up another ideal or maybe preservation isn't something worth pursuing at all and that this strategy necessarily forces it upon us.

so, what if? take life two steps back and see where you end up. or maybe i'll just be more conscious to try and trace my steps and find the connecting line...

2002-12-17T12:04:00.000Z

a year of morons and miracles

i realize it's a little early for the introspection and reflective tones of the new year, but i figure i may as well get ahead of the curve. It's been quite a year. from the vantage point of two continents, three cities and a lot of travelling, the world has looked like an interesting place for the last 365 days. i'm impressed by how the world continues to function without an existential crises of some kind. i think some people last year tried to persuade themselves that 9/11 was such a moment. however, i think it was just simply one more earth quake highlighting the consistent rumblings of the fault lines of our world. if 9/11 had been a true crises of faith, i think we would have needed to ask more questions about why? and what now? rather than how? and who next?

that being said, this year hasn't exactly been short on moments to remember. and so a year of morons and miracles:

miracle: the liberals finally bring in a budget and we're reminded of the ballooning costs of health care, the fine line between real socialists and liberals and the divide between perceived political power and the necessary funds to carry that out (brian tobin)

moron: jean chretien handles political slapshots like a goalie who hasn't even shown up to the game. cabinet shuffles abound as he grasps at the last straws of his chokehold (remember our dear friend the protestor?) on the liberal leadership

miracle: the canadian alliance finally selects a new leader and moron and a christian fundamentalist who believes in a divine solution to the middle east becomes foreign affairs critic

miracle: noah mason birch is born after one friggin' long labour but is quickly crowned the most beautiful child ever to walk (or crawl or drool across) the earth

moron: george w. bush continues to hold his "democratically elected" office of president... like a kid in a candy store he continues to want everything and accidentally knock over a lot of stuff which requires costly clean-up (afghanistan, iraq, trent lott, etc., etc.)

moron: the us policy of "with us or against us" becomes tantamount to approving a whole bunch of nasty deeds to make sure everyone is still invited to the birthday party (yemen, saudi arabia, pakistan)

miracle: the new africa initiative actually gets through the g8 and moron the plan is fraught with bad policies and really continues a paternalistic and economically unfortunate path for africa

miracle: someone actually has the balls to say george bush is a moron

moron: someone still thinks that hitler's an ok guy (and he's a member of the order of canada)

miracle: paul martin fucks jean chretien over- again, and again, and again, and again, and (well, you get the idea)

moron: jean chretien fails to express even a hint of coherence and makes it look like policies are chosen by the winner of a game of dutch blitz in the privy council office

moron: w. continues push for war in iraq

miracle: mark continues to travel europe while "studying" in britain...

so, it's been a great year. feel free to add your own morons and miracles as this list is horribly incomplete. miss you all and i'll be back soon

. . .

2002-12-16T12:33:00.000Z

queens, music and a general lack of snow

sorry for the absence but i was away for the weekend. i really have no other excuse than that considering that my days are basically filled with waking up late, thinking about doing some work, procrastinating and then meeting someone for coffee or something similar. take today: got up @ 10:30, checked e-mail, wandered around the internet reading the morning paper in canada, winnipeg, etc., showered, sent some e-mails, listened to some christmas music and now i'm getting ready to meet a friend for coffee @ 1:30...

anyway, i was in windsor and windsor great park this weekend at an "international Christmas" celebration for students of the commonwealth. the conference was held at cumberland lodge, a former royal residence which is now a retreat centre. while we were there, princess margaret's son was also staying at the lodge as this is their traditional "hunting weekend". we saw windsor castle- which was splendid, and the queen was in but she decided to brush us off... we saw evensong at st. george's- the choir's not as good as i had hoped but it was nice to just listen to an evensong... we had a treasure hunt- it was fun but was consistenly over-run by a domineering Austrian who was a bit too rules/winning obsessed...

we also had a lovely christmas dinner, a reading of commonwealth poetry, a rambunctious talent show (which featured one american singing "the thunder rolls" with his laptop copy of the garth song as accompaniment as well as his tone-deaf girlfriend) and a talk about international development who was basically a mumbling economist who acted as apologist for structural adjustment and suggested that there were "no legacies" to colonialization in terms of economic development... we got along splendidly :)

now i'm back and even though i keep playing christmas music incessently it hasn't really hit me yet that christmas is in 9 days! craziness i know but i'm still getting excited- even though it doesn't feel the same as other years... so, we'll just trudge this week out with coffee and work and see whether we can force snow to fly...

. . .

if only emotions and layers of self-protection were translucent and we could then have a much better look at our core without all the pain of stripping all the layers away. perhaps that's why it hurts so much- to dig too deep into oneself is to painfully remove all the scar tissue and rigid barriers which have surrounded that which we call ourselves.
i would love to make it easier for every one of us. i would love to help him understand and not make the same mistakes as i. if only... yet, we are limited and opaque and hardened. and hurt must come- but, once the pain has healed, we can hope to see... self.

. . .

2002-12-11T09:04:00.000Z

an open letter to americans

in a recent series of letters, (http://www.cbc.ca/stories/2002/12/09/human_shields021209) many americans have taken aim at a few canadians who were joining americans entering iraq to act as human shields. taking aim at more than just these few protesters, some americans have taken swipes at canada more generally- some going so far as to say that canada is actually the greatest american enemy and others suggesting that canada should step into line before it, too, becomes a us target.

while i can recognize that these are just a few people making comments in a public forum and while i recognize that the official party line from washington is that canada is "like family", i think it's important to address some of these concerns. similarly, although it stems from a small group of people, canada could arguably be considered "anti-american" and i would also like to address a bit of this.

firstly, it is true that canada does owe a lot to the united states, however, very little of this has to do with military muscle. we should be cognizant of our southern neighbors because 80% of our trade is with them. this does suggest some form of economic dependency but it is not unlikely considering our geographic proximity, their significant market and our continued performance as an export economy. however, this does not make us impotent or whipped. in fact, we should treat the us like a corporation would treat its best client. take them to hockey games, buy them a few rounds, but remember at the end of the day when you're sitting around the board room table that a deal needs to be made and that you should make it the best deal for your corporation...

as for this consistent argument that canada should remember that the u.s. is its great defender and that this is why canada can afford not to invest in its military. let's recap the military history of canada and the united states:
i) the us civil war- their problem
ii) the battles between the french and the english- our problem
iii) pearl harbour- their problem
iv) the toronto snow storm (our problem)
v) the war of 1812 (both our problems)

by this overly schematic look at our joint history, we can see that, beyond our own internal problems (which the us actually helped propogate with concerns they would try and take over), the us has actually made us more of a target than it has assisted us in saving our ass. so maybe they american citizens mean the us has helped us fight internationally and saved our bacon there:
i) WWI - Canada has large role
ii) WWII- Canada has large role, US joins later
iii) Korean Wars- Canada/US have large roles
iv) Vietnam- Canada had medium role, US has large role
v) Gulf War- US has prime role, Canada has support role
vi) Afghanistan- US has prime role, Canada has support role

So, from a glance, we can see that Canada has played a major part in major wars. if anything, we have taken support roles in assisting the us in wars which were motivated by an overly intense ideological focus (vietnam) or by us economic interest (gulf war). so, i don't really see the us as our big protector but instead as a force which continues to attract attention to our peace-loving nation and making it a target for all the yahoos who hate the us- let's also note that in many of these cases the us actually killed canadians in the heat of the battle (afghanistan).

as for canada needing to shape up or find itself on the other side of the us military, let's just remember some little factoids about the us's current world position and canada's in comparison:
i) most of the world is skeptical of us power and is unwilling to simply join a us alliance against any given target (look at the difficulties in drafting a un resolution... britain's an exception but that's just because tony blair can't actually concentrate on domestic policy for more than 3 minutes or people will realize he's lost control of his party)
ii) most of the world thinks the us president is a knob
iii) the us economy is in a major slump and doesn't appear to be recovering

as for canada
i) we're one of the few members of G8 that actually has some diplomatic clout (the us- zealots, britain- lapdogs, france- crazy right-wingers, russia-too poor, germany- too divided, italy- too small, japan- too conservative). so, really, with our two well-coifed gay men leading international relations (pierre pettigrew and bill graham), we're pretty much the pragmatists
ii) most of the world think our prime minister's a knob- but they have a lot of respect for the guy replacing him (hey- he's even friends with bono :)
iii) our economy is kicking ass despite the fact that our biggest trading partner is having a slump...

so, really, to my whinging american friends, we're really not doing too badly ourselves. we have fought for ourselves and lately are choosing not to because it's just not pragmatic in such an interdependent world were diplomacy has extended power. we also have a lot going for us on the world stage and don't like to be the cheap date attached to the slurring texan at the high school dance.

finally, on to these discussions about canadian anti-americanism. well, i must say, in many circles- it's true. but it's not so much anti-americanism as it is anti-american policy and symbology. the things most canadians have a problem with are:
a) your default foreign policy position is to blow shit up- something that rubs against our more peacenik canadian sensibilities
b) you keep making friends with nasty people and bringing them around the house- remember your old friend saddam hussein? how about the shah of iran? osama bin laden? pinochet? honestly, the tea parties you throw just get far too raucous for us
c) you sometimes forget that you get most of your stuff from us and treat us like the unfortunate ugly cousin who's come to visit. we're really sorry to let you know about this but most of the world thinks of it like a cinderella story- you the ugly sister who keeps putting the pretty one (canada) to work and not letting us come to the ball

so, really, it's not you we don't like- it's just a lot about what you stand for. i love americans. i have lots of american friends (irony intended). anyway, just wanted to let you know that we're listening and hope we can return to a more rational state of dialogue.

peace from your displaced neighbour to the north...

, , ,

2002-12-10T09:42:00.000Z

have yourself a wet and soggy christmas?

i have become the ultimate wuss. remember the days of -35'C and a windchill of 2200? it got super cold here in the last two days, that's right a shocking 1 or 2'C and i can't handle it. i think it's more just the fact that the cold here is "wet"- meaning bone-chilling and that you're never really in properly heated spaces. i'm convinced that the heater in my room is ornamental. i adjust the knob, i occassionally feel gentle warmth but i'm positive that there is no fan mechanism within this heater so there is actually no way i am going to get warm...

lazy holiday season has begun. despite my best intentions to read everything i never got to this term, my first day of real holidays wasn't much of a start. i slept in obscenely late, practiced for my audition, had coffee with a friend, invigilated for the oxford admissions study, went to a friend's place to catch the last 5 minutes of "a knight's tale", had a kebab, talked on the phone and went to bed... not what i would consider to be the definition of productive. today, of course will be different!

even though it's wet and grey outside, i will not succumb to staying in my room and finishing stupid white men. i will go to the bod and read excessive amounts of social policy... well, i'll keep you posted.
. . .

2002-12-09T00:16:00.000Z

my two front teeth

hard to imagine that my christmas season is basically over. while the real day comes in a number of weeks this week has been a deluge of carol services, christmas dinners and mulled wine. however, now that everyone has run away (the junior college room members all had to move out yesterday and the mcr is largely leaving in the next week) there is basically nothing more christmas stuff to do. however, i have finished (mostly) buying presents and i'll wrap them this week to ship out.

as for my own christmas list, well, it's all rather hard considering that the majority of people buying for me live across the pond. but, if i had my way, here's what i would want:
* a new duvet cover and really comfy pillow cases - maybe even sheets (something with fun colours)
* a set of red wine glasses
* harry potter 4 (b/c i still haven't read it)
* a ticket to the big three ball (110 pounds) which is in the spring and is at magdalen this year (new college next year!)
* the massive rothko calendar at blackwell's art shop (35 pounds!)
* a toaster
* a new umbrella because somebody nicked mine
* peace on earth (unlikely)
* diesel shoes (just as unlikely)

so, yeah, that's about it... more on life later
. . .

2002-12-06T00:27:00.000Z

last day of term

i had my last tutorial today. finished my last essay this week. sany my second last carol concert tonight. now it's just catching up on the hundreds of books i didn't get to reading this term. but first there's some killer sleeping in to be done tomorrow :)

in other news

z) i have no idea what to get the boi for christmas...
y) i'm super excited for rome.
x) i had a killer conversation today about art, the meaning of the "external world" and about the way in which we can communicate ideas
w) did the 12 days of christmas tonight in an evensong and enjoyed it for the first time (there were funny monologues interspersed)
v) i want to know what my nephew looks like right now!
u) i'm still stressing over my dissertation topic
t) what do you guys think of me becoming a journalist or an actor? sound good?

ciao for now (and sorry about the incoherent but important ramble below!)

m.
. . .

2002-12-06T00:22:00.000Z

a tribute to the truly random

seeing the truth before me i reached out and grabbed a hold, realizing it was both too simplistic and too cumbersome to carry around like three stripes on a massive canvas. "why can't they make a portable version of this?" i asked for the zillionth time. you see, if the grains of truth could only be contained in something i could wear around my neck or write like an account number on a debit card or squeeze into three stanzas in a plain-chat: echoing. entirely the right syllable on the exact note. but it isn't and i can't- or maybe it's that i can and that it is but that it's simply beyond my grasp- taking a hold seems to suggest something physical but perhaps it's all just mental- perhaps it's just a dream. in any event, i think it's time i got some sleep...

2002-12-03T15:35:00.000Z

michaelmas term 1, mark schaan 2

: i think it's a tie. i can't believe this term is almost over but i think i can honestly say that it didn't kick my ass but i think i showed it that i'm a man with some moves :) so, yeah. i can believe it's 8th week. just two months ago i hadn't met some of the people i now consider my better friends in the world. two months ago, i didn't use words like blimey, bollocks, twat (which i use all the time now), quid or pidge. two months ago, i had never read Gosta Esping-Andersen who i now feel i have the same love/hate relationship with that i share with margaret wente. two months ago, i was worried and nervous about this new place and now it feels like "home" (this is where in an essay i would include a footnote discussing the difficulty in understanding and relating conceptions of home citing some famous sociological studies on conceptions of home during the life course and suggests both the ambiguity of the term as well as the shifting boundaries of its usage). anyway, it's amazing how much life changes in two months...

: i finished my last paper of the term last night. it's called air-tight or sieves? boxes or traps? the perks and pitfalls of welfare state typologies and attempts to understand why typologies are useful, why there are so many of them and what the major problems are with using the major typology set in our perceptions of welfare states. i think my writing is getting better and that i'm slowly starting to develop two styles: a journalism style and an academic style but i think there's still too much overlap in both.

: on that note, i e-mailed edward greenspon to find out more about how he made the transition from his ph.d. at the lse to working for the globe. i think, in the back of my mind, that i would like to make a similar move. he said to write like a fiend and just keeping finding places to be published. i noted that despite his advice he didn't offer me a column :)

: i'm fully booked in for my european extravaganza planned for christmas. i'll be in oxford on christmas eve with john from waterloo attending a carol service and party at new college. christmas day john and i will travel to london and have christmas lunch with my friend dhalia and her partner adam (who are jewish and so fun!) and hang around the city centre for a couple days. on the 28th we head to the queer capital of manchester for a little canal street (think british qaf) action for new year's including a stay at malmaison (omg! such a splurge but so worth it!). we're there until the first when we head back to oxford for a day or so of recovery. then on the 3rd it's off to rome for 10 days. we're staying at a lovely place called the yellow hostel and while in rome (we'll obviously do as the romans) but will also try and get to pompeii, napleas and sorrento (thanks jacks for the travel info).

: it only sort of feels like christmas here. there's lots of advent stuff on and also quite a bit of shopping being done. there's pretty lights and the like. but there's no snow and t's not even really that cold. but, it does feel exciting on some days- like today when i finished off buying all my canadian christmas presents! yeah for the fun of it! it was expensive but totally worthwhile... i even bought myself some things like a signed copy of life of pi and a new college scarf!

: i have a boi for those canadian readers out of the loop. his name is simon, and he's fabulous. it's only been a week but i already feel so comfortable with him. 6'4", deep-set grey eyes, studies german and law but is going to music school next year. he's a charmer and he's british to boot!

: i had a 5 minute chat with my course director today that really altered the way i've been feeling about my dissertation and course. it's amazing how it just take one little comment to make you rethink things- anyway, more on that later...

ciao for now, m.

. . .

2002-11-27T00:22:00.000Z

back to life, back to reality

the musical is done and it was FANTASTIC! while the numbers for our shows weren't mind-blowing, we got four fantastic reviews, heaps of compliments and a really great series of performances for pleased audiences. i can honestly say it was one of the most intense experiences of my life, but also one of the best...

i saw Bowling For Columbine tonight... michael moore does it again. wonderful at raising really important questions that need to be asked. however, falls down when he tries to answer them. while i found the movie quite tasteful in its depiction of canada (especially since i saw it with a whole bunch of internationals in a british theatre), i found it a bit too simplistic. welfare to work = bad. canada = good. american foreign policy = domestic violence increases. as with much of sociology, a real problem with causation. that being said, a socially relevant and important film that frightened the shit out of me...

i'm preaching a sermon on sunday which i think should be entertaining. it's about fear in God and how that relates to Advent and tries to offer a more hopeful outlook on Christ's coming...

it's almost 8th week already which is frightening. first term at oxford is nearly done. i still have an essay to write and a group presentation but, basically, it's all going well so far :)

miss so many of you but am still having a great time here. did i mention i love british men :P

2002-11-18T00:45:00.000Z

where has my life gone?

basically i live in the world of a musical and so this entry is going to be random, short and not at all fulfilling in terms of the gaps that i've left since my last entry. i've just come from my first dress rehearsal for the musical (which opens tomorrow night) and i'm absolutely nackered so i'll try and give you the good details...

i) the musical is going fabulously. there was a point last week where i just felt like it was all too much and that i was giving up way too much for it, but i've forgotten how much i love to perform and how great it is to do stuff like this... there are definitely moments where i would love not to live in a theatre, but so be it...

ii) i am WAY behind in my classes. i finished my first oxford paper on federalism and whether or not it is an expansionist or constraining force on welfare state development. i really loved writing it and i have my first supervisor meeting on it on tuesday. that being said, my first few weeks of december are basically going to be nothing but reading...

iii) the people in my cast are splendid. the musical director is superb, and everyone else is just so much fun to be around!

iv) i got two mentions in both oxford student papers. apparently the oxford daily mail is coming to review the show. i got particular mention in the oxford student for my "convincing mannerisms" - it appears i can play a gay man well :)

v) my mom sent me chocolate chips cookies... mmmmmm... i want more :)

vi) i got a picasso letter from jams... i smiled for days!

vii) i got a fit haircut. i've found a cheap, good place that i really like. most places here charge between 20 and 40 quid for a cut and wash. that's atrovious. i play 12 pounds 50 and it's great!

viii) i miss everyone at home. would love for you guys to come visit

ix) need sleep... ciao for now!

m.

. . .

2002-10-30T00:05:00.000Z

on crashing mercedes, emotional complexity and sundry other updates

hello everyone. sorry for the delay in writing but life has been a little crazy over here. lots to do and my life feels as if it's just a vicious circle of responding to e-mails, going to rehearsals, reading and class. alas, it's still fun and i'm still quite enjoying it...

i) was in portugal for this past weekend. had an amazing time. lisbon is lovely but not a city i feel a real spiritual connection with. visited a little town outside of lisbon called sintra which is remarkable. a gorgeous old moorish castle and a lovely old royal palace. however, we got bad directions to a restaurant and nearly put a $35,000 Mercedes over a cliff. We came within a foot (where one tire was actually over the ledge) and had to push the car back out - very scary!

ii) why is life never simple? why is that we're just expected to feel and feel and feel some more but all the emotions are life fish hooks- all tangled together and one never manages to isolate them without getting pricked in the process...

iii) i'm in a musical here called falsettos which is taking all of my time up. i play whizzer, a gay squash player who is the boyfriend of a previously married jewish man who is preparing for his son's bar mitvah. the first song of the musical is called "four jews in a room bitching" - it's oh so campy and oh so marvellous!

iv) my seminars are going well but the reading is taxing. as you'll notice from the last post, however, it's paying off in terms of getting my riled up about more things :)

v) i know my face is on the waterloo web site. it's been great for getting e-mails from random old friends. keep them coming :)

cheers all and be back soon...

. . .

2002-10-29T23:59:00.000Z

To the Editor,

As F.A. Hayek wrote in his 1944, now seminal, text The Road to Serfdom, "Although we have been warned by some of the greatest political thinkers of the nineteenth century, by de Toqueville and Lord Acton, that socialism means slavery, we have steadily moved in the direction of socialism. And now that we have seen a new form of slavery arise before our eyes, we have so completely forgotten the warning, that it scarcely occurs to us that the two things may be connected."

That "new form of slavery" that Hayek is clanging the alarm bells over, is the modern welfare state. I was reminded of Hayek's warning upon reading Aaron Lee Wudrig's column on tuition deregulation.

Lee Wudrig joins a chorus of modern theorists who believe we are still upon the road to serfdom, frivolously throwing our own economic and political freedom away to be caged by the monsters of social provision.

Lee Wudrig argues that as the "primary beneficiaries" of education, paying half the costs of that education is not an unfair burden. He then goes on to suggest that because the societal benefits of public-funded education can not be calculated, they should be discounted if not dismissed.

My problem with Lee Wudrig's argument is both theoretical and concrete. From a matter of information, Lee Wudrig has the facts wrong on a number of issues. Firstly, students pay 35% of their total education costs (as set out in the Tories blueprint in the 1999 election), and at many universities pay as much as 42-45%. The other myth is that 65% is being paid by the taxpayer. In fact, an increasing proportion of university operating budgets are provided by third party organizations, individuals and corporations. So much so, in fact, that the Council of Ontario Universities was forced to alter its definition of a public institution as the University of Western Ontario was now more than 50% privately funded.

In addition, engineers, computer scientists and other deregulated professionals are not "subsidizing" other programs in the way that Lee Wudrig presents. 80% of tuition increases (after student financial aid set-aside) are kept within the faculty, while 20% are sent to the "centre" and are spread across university budgets. However, as the deregulated programs have by far the highest costs and have many unfunded students, they end up largely subsidizing themselves while other faculties contribute more.

The theoretical problems with Lee Wudrig's claims are more complex. They stem from a genuine philosophical divide with not just Lee Wudrig but the historical liberal argument more generally. The complexity arises out of the difficulty of justifying state social provision when, as Lee Wudrig points out, the benefits are diffuse, abstract and often difficult to measure. This point is probably best expressed by Canadian theorist Michael Ignatieff in his text, The Needs of Strangers, "Rights language offers a rich vernacular for the claims an individual may make on or against the collectivity, but it is relatively impoverished as a means of expressing individuals' needs for the collectivity.

However, this does not make them disappear. Education is a public good not only because we say it is so. Instead, education is a public good because it has become, ironically a means by which we can further enhance our freedom as a society by ensuring a relative equality of opportunity. As Ignatieff continues, "It has been in order to equalize everyone's chances at a free life that the state now meets needs for food, shelter, clothing, education, transport and health care (at least in some countries). It is in the name of freedom that experts in need now pronounce on the needs of strangers."

Additionally, state social provision is a means by which we as a society empower ourselves to achieve our own individual potential. It is in keeping with the ideas of a just society and a basic humanity that we provide essential services in a universal and accessible manner. This case is best made by Bo Rothstein in his book "Just Institutions Matter" in which he states: "In order to achieve what economists call market-conforming regulations, then, some form of taxation must be instituted" and that, in paraphrasing Rawls, "a system founded solely on voluntary market relations is, ' not, in general, fair, unless the antecedent distribution of income and wealth as well as the structure of the system of markets is fair'." This is the clarion call for a universal and publicly funded system of social provision and essential services, of which post-secondary education is very much one.

In summary, Lee Wudrig is, in my eyes, both theoretically and concretely incorrect in his push for a deregulated education system. While the benefits are diffuse and difficult to measure, a universal education system is both a necessity for our individual freedom as well as an important promotion of equality within a market economy. Furthermore, publicly funded education does have measurable and important effects on our economy in the form of productivity, income generation and efficiency.

When phrased in the quality/accessibility argument, Lee Wudrig promotes a false dialectic with which it is impossible to create a favorable outcome. He then creates paper dragons to slay by painting the opposition as merely pro-tax utopians. The reality is that deregulated tuition limits accessibility to what should be a universal public service and an essential component of state social provision in the promotion of a just and fair society.

Let us not run away from the imaginary Road to Serfdom but instead proceed to a place where we can rightfully and humanely acknowledge the needs of strangers and, thereby, the collective good.

Sincerely,

Mark A. Schaan
UW, Class of '02

2002-10-21T12:27:00.000Z

the mirror

perhaps i didn't make myself clear,
perhaps i was afraid,
but you know that moment when you stand staring at yourself,
looking upwards, downwards, sideways...
looking for something linear.

in that moment, i was alone,
and we all know how frightened i am of being alone,
is that just me?
i think that could bring resonance, maybe even comfort...
knowing that we are all just frightened onto a journey to ensure
we're not alone.

seeking solace, seeking love,
always seeking, never being
winding my camera so i can capture yet another snapshot
of where i am at this moment
as opposed to simply actually being present...

2002-10-16T20:24:00.000Z

sundry updates and ruminations

. . . i am now an official member of the oxford gargoyles. it's a local a cappella group that's actually really good. i'm quite looking forward to the new dimension to my life here. odd, however, that when i tried out for church choirs they were INSISTENT that i am very much a baritone. so, i sing baritone/bass in the worcester college chapel choir. however, i sing tenor for the goyles...

. . . does hollywood not get it? cbc.ca today reports that a hollywood movie house if shelving a movie about a sniper due to the current insensitivity it might reflect on the situation in virginia. so, after it happens in real life it's insenstive. however, prior to that it's somehow ok? i guess there's no tangible link for them between watched violence and its occurrence in reality :)

. . . it's really hard to be anti-american policy when speaking to americans. first off, they make none of the same assumptions that foreigners do about their country (aka- that their policy is hypocritical and bad) which makes the argument far more challenging. secondly, one needs to attempt not to offend- something that's really hard when you normally say things like "american policy may be advised by intelligent officials but it starts from the most fucked-up of premises" anyway, i'm enjoying my american arguments as they're pushing me to think harder about how i think about nationalism/foreign policy/war

. . . my first shipment from home came today so i am now enjoying my stereo (which works with my transformer :) and also loving having my very british pea-coat...

. . . i LOVE scottish accents- especially in very cute bois :)

. . . “…we all subscribe thoughtlessly to many beliefs, the truth of which does not strike home to us until experience gives them reality. Wisdom may be rented, so to speak, on the experience of other people, but
we buy it at an inordinate price before we make it our own forever.” - Robertson Davies - (thanks Dave)

2002-10-15T15:43:00.000Z

when administrators fail to see the big picture

amit chakma, the vice-president academic and provost of my former institution, the university of waterloo, was quoted in today's national post citing his all-too-often quoted views on post-secondary education.

Dr. Chakma of Waterloo said: "If we graduate a medical doctor or lawyer or engineer who is going to earn $70-$80,000 a year, the question arises, should the education of that individual be subsidized by average citizens who are maybe earning $30- $40,000 a year?"

once again, amit shows a skewed and unfortunate perception of education- that of it being a commodity purchased by users for their own economic benefit. however, if we take a slightly more qualitative view of pse, we could realize that the citizen earning $30-40,000 a year has tangible benefits from living an educated society, working at jobs that are fuelled by academic innovaction and prospering because of the developments of academic knowledge outcomes.

the consistent desire of short-sighted, neo-conservative politicos or qualitatively-obsessed, cash-hungry university administrators to link eventual salaries (aka: economic benefit) with education costs hides not only the general economic benefits of education for the whole of society but also the non-economic benefits for both the individual and society as a whole.

also convenient that amit uses averages and not medians and uses professional programs and not all programs to prove his point. perhaps if a belief in education as a public good prevails at waterloo and amit finds himself out of a job he can go and work at the fraser institute :)

. . .

2002-10-11T16:31:00.000Z

on that amazing feeling of understanding

i have had two conversations in the last two days that have given me such a wonderful sense of relief as well as a need to continue to probe certain aspects of my personality/thinking. both conversations were with individuals i would consider slightly unlikely candidates for having the same sense or issue with something but that's part of what made them incredible...

the first was with a mormon republican american who completely related to many of my same issues in relation to faith issues and how they apply in the lived life. there was real and honest dialogue about the struggle between one's lifestyle and what God is calling one to be/do and how one deals with that tension... most interesting, however, was the ability to understand my own situation being lived out similarly by someone else who has made alternative choices...

the second was with an over-achieving american economist who has faced the same issues of expectation/achievement/admiration anxiety. he is one of the first people i have met with whom i could instantly discuss my significant insecurities and also discuss the horrid feeling of not knowing if one can continue to live for other people and not for one's self. that sounds harsh and potentially more severe than it is, but the real issues was finding a sense of self that was not dependent upon external approval. he's one of the first people i've met who has also had death day-dreams- the kind where you visualize what life would be like if you died right now (not by your volition but by an external force) so that then the pressure to continue would just be gone... anyway, wonderfully enlightening...

i really hope that if my oxford experience is nothing else, it is a series of enlightened understandings which will improve both my relations with others and the way in which i know, love and change myself

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2002-10-10T06:49:00.000Z

technical details

so, i feel like a need to update a bit more about what my life is like here and what's been happening as of late. now that i have an alarm clock, i actually wake up at decent times of the day. for my first few days here i was basically just a huge "lay-in" kind of guy. since the last update, i have been really busy with the orientation to my course. the faculty are wicked- super casual, not into oxford bullshit and doing really interesting research. my particular supervisor has the thickest and most wonderful scottish accent and must be, at the oldest, 35.

in the evenings, i've basically been spreading myself across oxford pubs. we've also had "freshers" events in out mcr and so i've met lots of great people at my college. i have a "massive lad", as he would say, as a corridor mate named thom and he's from britain (massive lad means he's wicked) and he and i hang out quite a bit. we went out as an mcr to an italian place two nights ago and then went to a dance bar and people were actually impressed by my skills :)

most of my course has been interesting except for my "guide to the internet/intranet" which was really just a basic instruction on google searching- however, in the most monotone and uninteresting way... i left early :)

ciao for now ...

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