Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

2005-01-17T14:49:00.000Z

my new thoughts

hi all,

i've decided to move my political thoughts into a different format. i'm going to attempt to discipline myself into regularly writing column-length pieces on a variety of topics. for those of you interested in receiving them, simply e-mail me at mark dot schaan at some.ox.ac.uk

. . .

2004-11-04T15:00:00.000Z

asterisk

it has come to my attention that this web site is more widely consulted than i had previously thought to be the case. this means that i'm going to have to neuter my content a bit. sorry to my friends in winnipeg, waterloo and toronto, but i'm likely not going to say much about my personal life here. if you want the real gossip, drop me a line and we can have a good chat. alternatively, i'll be in the hinterland this holiday season. i'm in winnipeg from 9 december to 30 december and in toronto from 30 december to 9 january.

for those outside of these locales, it looks like e-mail is the way forward. so, from here on, you're likely to find content about politics, books, random musings or some rather banal statement on the facts of my life. you're unlikely to get the good stuff though- no rants about my job, my friends, or my partners. thinking back, i'm not sure i post on that anyway.

all good wishes, m.

. . .

2004-11-03T20:22:00.000Z

cast me gently into morning, for the night has been unkind

it's hard to imagine that, upon sober second thought, the result would be the same. however, at the same time, it does suggest to me that there is a bravery in courting death. however, my overwhelming emotion today is one of sympathy. in some small way, sympathy for the world which must now deal with a president who has clearly shown his desire to act unilaterally, pre-emptively, and probably most sickening selectively, in the international arena, to ignore international precedent or convention, and to eshue neither the values of responsible conservatism, nor compassionate liberalism but of strategic selfishness. but the largest part of my sympathy is for those 48% of americans who voted against this vision. those individuals who have seen their country tainted in the broader world, who have seen their jobs lost, their trade mismanaged, and their dollars misspent.

it is the way of elections that there are tough losses and hard transitions. but i simply hoped, for america's sake and for the world's, that they could move on. however, walking home at 7 am this morning, i just wanted to move on from such an unkind night.

by way of joking suggestion. my friend robert, who once ran for office in the us, has long argued that the american coasts poll similar in social values to canada. so, in spirit of helping our demoralised friends, i suggest that we simply inherit all the pretty blue bits of the map. the rest of the american midlands (that big red swath) will come to be known as Texas Big. therein, we'll form a wonderful coalition free from electoral college votes and protected by the magnificent charter... anyway, it's a thought.

morning awaits

. . .

2004-10-26T22:07:00.000Z

angel's wings and breakdowns

it's just one of those nights. one of those times when the night is dark and the clouds obscure. one of those moments when your strength and your weakness duke it out and it ends a draw. one of those instances when you know you're on the cusp of change; if not change, action. this is the noun before the verb.

and in the gentle voice in the background, somebody sings that there's beauty in the breakdown. but more importantly, the voices whisper that the passion is well-painted but that you suspect impersonation. and it's a little of column a and a little bit of column b.

as i said to my friend yesterday, november will either by stunning or drowning. i could have a new role, new funding for the rest of my work, a new excitement for my research, and a person to share all of this with. or i could have none of them. and it's so hard not to get built up- the possibilities so rich and real and within grasp. but the fall so hard, leaving you clumsy and slightly drunk with unsteadiness.

and for now there is only this moment. so i'll forge on and wait to see if the verb is flying or sinking. here's praying for angel's wings but humming that there's beauty in the breakdown...

"Excuse me too busy
Writing your your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go, So let go, jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cos there's beauty in the breakdown"

. . .

2004-10-21T01:33:00.000Z

no good excuse

i wish i could say i have been doing something profound and thereby excuse my absence. instead, i've been doing a lot of busy work and spent the summer as a nomad with little gusto for posting. so, here i slink back to my non-audience to repent. ironic that i pick probably one of my busiest periods in oxford to suddenly find blogging a happy medium for procrastination.

there is a lot that could be said about life right now. i could talk endlessly about the difficulties i've had over the summer in sorting out life direction. i could explain further about why i've decided to pursue further academic study but under what conditions i've let myself go that way. i could wax poetic about some of the brilliant people who have filled my life in the past few months (clare, katie, edge, bryce, lele, sharon). i could even talk about my work.

but, i think instead that at this late hour the thoughts i want to share with the world are these: i've spent 2/3 or more of my life doubting myself and trying to live up to other people's expectations- sometimes even being an asshole to do so. too often, i've confused self-worth with self-aggrandisement. but, in the last few months and, in fact, in the last few years, i've realised that there's a lot more goodness to be found without trying that hard; there's a lot more bliss to be found in realising how great life is at the moment- not waiting for when it will be. to those who haven't seen me struggle through this and have simply criticised- it's a free country but i'm trying to no longer care about you so fuck off. to those who have supported me and cared for me as i've worked through much of this- thank you and i love you. for those still watching, let's stop the procession and realise that we're all just fumbling towards ecstasy

. . .

2004-06-17T14:38:00.000Z

from 0 to 2 in only 1 day?

i know, i know. i slack off from posting and then come back with a vengeance. anyway, i know finally have the time to reflect on things, notably, the current canadian election.

essentially, i increasingly feel that this is a 'made by the media' election. in the early days of the campaign, the media focused all of their energies on the crumbling liberal team. most of the major media outlets (including macleans, the globe and ctv) sent their star reporters to the conservatives who covered stephen harper as some sort of demi-god and thereby portrayed paul martin as notable absent. then when their destruction started working and the martin camp really did fall apart (as a camp is known to do when the feel they're not making any gains), the media tried to turn it back into a two-horse race by attacking harper.

as warren kinsella noted a few weeks back, this is when we started to see lines like 'despite excellent voter feedback on his party platform, harper continues to be dogged by his conservative social views'. that being dogged, and those who 'continue to question' were actually reporters- not real, live canadians. essentially, it was an invented story.

now, however, the media realise that their act 1 destruction of martin went too far and he really is crushed. so, they circle like vultures and essentially ruin any chance of recovery. so, he makes a reasonably good performance in the debates which the media turns into, at best, 'a draw', and at worse, 'a clear victory' for harper. this, of course, is assisted by viewers who have had their views shaped by act 1. but now it's just getting silly. don martin's 'news article' in today's winnipeg free press (carried by canwest news service) is beyond reproach essentially passing off spiteful, sarcastic taunting of paul martin as news. "If this was a Monty Python movie, the prime minister was the kicking and screaming old man pleading "but I'm not dead yet" as media carried him out for hurry-up burial.", martin writes and goes on to add "There is no doubt now, these are the most critical days of the entire campaign for Martin as he fights to reverse a death spiral sucking his government down the drain. The obituaries may well be written by week's end as polling firms hired by most major media outlets head into the field for a major blitz of public opinion." this is not news, this is an angry media deciding that they can control electoral outcomes- and the sad thing is they can.

It's rare but I have to agree with Tim Murphy. "After much mocking by journalists watching Martin's pre-programmed non-answers, chief of staff Tim Murphy has had enough. "It's nice of you guys to stop your ascension into heaven long enough to cover the campaign." I think he hates us."

I can understand why.

. . .

2004-06-17T14:15:00.000Z

endings, beginnings and facing the void

i know, i know- i have been a horrible blog slacker. i can't believe my last post was about my birthday which feels like a decade ago. however, i have many good excuses for my non-updating practices: i finished my dissertation, i went to chicago, i wrote my last exam ever. all of that has been fairly stressful, fairly liberating but, now that it's finished, life feels weird somehow...

this master's degree and this two-year period of my life has forced a lot of thinking. on the one hand, it's been a painful period of coming to terms with my own capabilities. my masters proved to me that i've been given a lot very easily without necessarily working as hard for it as i should. however, i've also learned that i have a lot of scars from some of the crap i've had to deal with privately and that most people don't know or care about. however, on the other hand it's been a two-year period of self-discovery and of amazing hope for where my life is headed. i learnt that i am capable of working very hard. i've learnt that i'm capable of citing my own faults and working on them. i've learnt that some of my 'rock-solid' positions are more maleable than i imagined.

this two years has been really amazing and tough. i've truly come to understand how flawed i am but also how much hope i have for what i can become. rather than being a depressing experience (which it has been at times), i feel now like it's liberating and also promising...

this summer will be a lot of floating around and also beginning to seriously take a crack at my d. phil. the itinerary looks something like this:

june 29 - july 25th: deaning an international baccalaureate course at harvard/mit in boston. also doing a bit of lit. review.

july 25- july 30th: preparing for my parents

july 31st - aug 15th: hanging out with my parents. the plan: oxford, london, berlin, edinburgh, stirling, north scotland, oxford.

august 16 - sept. 26th: canada for research. 2 weeks in winnipeg and the rest in toronto (yet to be determined).

anyway, i'll post again soon... hope to see some of you soon and look forward to hearing what you've been up to

. . .

2004-05-18T08:19:00.000Z

we kindly interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this bit of random

there's no coherance yet today because it's 9:24 in the morning and i've still recovering from this bizarre dream which somehow featured being in a musical about homeless people with lots of costume changes and no audience... alas, some thoughts for the day:

*) my birthday party on the weekend was perhaps one of the most fantastic nights of my life. 70 of some of the people i feel truly lucky to have in my life, a fantastic venue, brilliant venue and loads of both champagne/amaretto (not in any way mixed- yuck!) made the pain of turning the big 25 so much easier to bear!

&) buzz hargrove makes me increasingly angry. while i recognise that a $10,000 pay hit may be a lot to ask and while i know that you can't set too low a standard for what you believe your workers are worth, there still arrives a time when you need to ask yourself the question: is this wage what the market will bear? thanks to buzzy-buzz there may be no air canada. having now said no the li's, deutsche bank, and ge, who else does mr. lightyear think is going to rescue our national carrier? good luck trying to get the us airlines who buy the pieces of air canada to hire canadians!

£) ken dryden running for the liberals: coup of all coups!

@) my little maclean's mention has come out. if anyone is interested head to macleans.ca or pick up a copy on a newsstand near you

. . .

2004-05-11T12:46:00.000Z

await the rise of the resume-builders

this article from the british medical journal sent to me by a friend is pretty scary/interesting. the search for sincerity becomes increasingly more complicated as our society beecomes increasingly more achievement-obsessed.

. . .

My friend's 12 year old son wanted to give up music lessons. Sure, said his dad, but tell me why. Didn't he like the teacher? Was there too much pressure? Had he stopped enjoying the violin? "Dad," replied the child, "I never liked music, but I reckon I'm good enough now to put it on my CV."

Last month, I attended a school concert and heard a 17 year old play a concerto by Liszt. He played by ear—faultlessly and passionately. The young man's face was contorted with concentration; his forehead dripped sweat. In the tough allegro section he bit his lip so hard I thought it might bleed.

Profoundly talented as he undoubtedly was, this level of performance was the result of years of practice and, I mused, considerable self sacrifice in the face of the usual adolescent temptations. But it was more than that. The boy played the piano for the sheer love of it. After his ovation, he had gently closed the piano lid, unfolded a handkerchief, and discreetly wiped tears from his eyes.

I recently helped interview a group of 17 year old hopefuls who were applying to do medicine. Their personal statements were uniformly perfect. As well as the expected row of A grades at GCSE, every one of them boasted excellence in at least three of the Big Four: music, sport, drama, and community service.

They had all done their homework—identifying the subconscious benchmarks that ageing professors use when evaluating the achievements of the young, and ensuring that they scored above the line. I asked one multitalented individual what she had got out of playing in an orchestra. Her measured reply—that the experience had taught her teamwork and commitment, and had provided balance in her timetable while taking five science A levels—gained her top marks on our assessment sheet.

We are now admitting cohorts of medical students who, like my friend's son, have been constructing their CVs since the age of 9. With a few radiant exceptions, their very identities are a pastiche of academic and personal achievements, carefully constructed for viewers like you and me. Surely we owe it to our children to change the system that is requiring them to become so hollow?- Trisha Greenhalgh, professor of primary health care, University College London

2004-05-11T11:20:00.000Z

margaret wente: wrong again

ahhh, margaret wente. such a clever writer but so prone to constructing paper dragons out of complex arguments only so that she can decimate them easily. it must be so dissatisfying though to 'win' an argument but then know that you really haven't met it head on- that you've surreptiously curved beyond the battle to some sort of 'home free' zone where intellectual honesty isn't required.

her argument isn't an unimportant one: that we're being too hard on the american occupation of iraq; that it would have been moronic to turn the prisons over tot he iraqis after occupation and that if we continue to be this harsh on the americans, no one will ever want to intervene for humanitarian purposes. fair enough but her assumptions make much her poingnancy turn to fluff.

to buy her argument, we have to accept her assumption that the us entered this war on the ground of 'humanitarian intervention'. at the end of her column she likens this to another rwanda. the irony, of course, is that the us did nothing for rwanda. so, this raises the question: why iraq? that we should judge the us as some sort of humanitarian saints who have entered this war only for the good of the iraqi people is not an easy pill to swallow.

next on my hit list is wente's claim that we're being too harsh on america- that because they've spent $87 million and been willing to take the lead, they should be protected somehow from any generalised criticism. this is ridiculous. if the iraqi regime was overthrown in the pursuit of calmer, gentler ends then we must hold the us occupation to the same standards. even more problematic, however, is that this is an 'occupation' which places a whole new spin on how judgemental i think we're allowed to be. this was not simply an outster but a takeover and therefore the us military, effectively the new iraqi government, needs to be criticised in the same way that you can blame the canadian government when a doctor treats you badly at a hospital they pay for. if this was simply a bit of assistance to remove an ugly government hanging on too long, the us might escape criticism for simply being the messenger. however, with haliburton on the payroll and america in control, the us better be ready to face criticism for their rule of post-war iraq.

wente's call to thanks for the us ends with this plea that if we make occupation difficult, no one will want to do it. the reality is that occupation/liberation/humanitarian intervention is complex and if criticism is going to stop the strong believers in human rights, then i worry about how committed they truly are to the concept...

. . .

2004-05-09T15:58:00.000Z

remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other - the dalai lama

somethings i still struggle with

. . .

2004-05-08T10:08:00.000Z

the world is collapsing around our ears, i turned up the radio but i can't hear it

a weird series of days of late. i am in the final throes of my dissertation- finishing my last chapter which will leave only my edits before i submit june 4th. it seems amazing that this project is finally wrapping up but yet i am so lacking in the motivation to finish it. i'm still suffering from post-ball exhaustion- i'm doing a lot of socialising, a fair bit of social drinking and a lot of faffing. take this morning, where i should be wrapping up this chapter but instead am reading the globe and generally scouring the internet for tidbits of fun...

however, the world continues to shuffle on without any clear or directed goal and i wonder whether we ever really will know what the fuck we're doing. there's a fantastic piece in today's globe about michael ignatieff and his quest to reconcile his belief in humanitarian intervention and even the possible need to suspend civil liberties to humanely end terror with the current stuff going on in iraq. how can we build a moral case for intervention to rescue human dignity and end torture only to erode human dignity and increase torture upon our entry? however, i found the last lines of the piece particularly chilling:

"If you have to wait for angelic intentions in this world, you'll have to wait for hell to freeze over. The besetting sin of Canadian foreign-policy thinking is a kind of airy and empty moral perfectionism that just doesn't deal with the world that we live in. It's the pathos of the middle power that doesn't actually have hard choices to make. I love my country, but I'm impatient with this thinking."

how long can we sit back and stay morally superior while watching suffering, torture and the complete degradation of the notions of human rights we supposedly stand behind? i feel closer than ever to adopting this hawkish leftish position...

more soon on what's really going on with me

. . .

2004-05-05T09:26:00.000Z

"To beat a team like the Toronto Maple Leafs, to me, it's like I'm dreaming, honestly."

time to think about golf again...

2004-04-26T21:07:00.000Z

on loneliness

even when i am surrounded by people all day and all night, i am trapped in this pit of intolerable loneliness. it's amazing how my life swings in polar opposites from suffocation- with way too many people and way to much to do- to shear solitude- with nothing but idleness and distraction and a reminder of my disjointedness from so much that i care about...

today somebody i really care about said something that made me feel hyper-sensitive, and selfish and insecure and it's just reminded me of my own fragility- something i had hoped i was past.

each day i pray for the will to gain comfort in my own skin, to know my own vocation and purpose and to learn to love myself as i am, regardless of what i do. this is still my hope

. . .

2004-04-23T16:57:00.000Z

on procrastination and event planning

i do nothing all day except administrative tasks. when i run out of them, i invent more. i have had one chapter of my dissertation left and due for weeks. it's crunch time now- it has to be done this weekend. and yet, i read the globe and mail all day, chat with friends and spend hours detailing all the things that need doing for the ball next week. why do i lack total motivation for work i'm supposedly passionate about?

instead, i am consumed by the ball. it has taken over my life. april 30th will forever be enshrined in my head as i have dedicated 6 months of my life to planning every small detail. and then, it will all be over. 1100 will have come and gone, ate and drank for 8 hours and then gone to the magdalen boys sing on the bridge. i used to think i wanted to do event planning for a living but i'm not sure i could deal with all the lead-up, let-down of it all.

in other news, i think i'm going to be in boston for 3 weeks this summer- good times!

. . .

2004-04-22T09:26:00.000Z

the 'real' road highlights

now that i've taken the piss a bit, i thought i would update on what's really been going on of late...

i really did go to scotland for the weekend which was fantastic. katie and i went up to st. andrews on friday- the train was in fact chaotic and long (7.5 hours) and uber-packed- but it was still worth it. we got into st. andrews in time to drop our stuff off and head to dinner. we somehow managed to get dinner with katie's friend ben including 9 cocktails, 3 meals, 2 coffees and 1 dessert for £24 which still blows my mind... so good!

we then went off to a footballer's wives party which was fun (although i didn't really go in costume but there were some very lovely sarongs in tow). from there we headed off to a couple pubs and then to the bop at the union which was amazingly fun. met a few st. andrews students and had a really good night. saturday we recuperated and hung out with katie's cousins. there was also the annual kate kennedy procession where the history of st. andrews is told with a procession of folks in costume- pretty touristey but also really funny...

after exploring for the rest of saturday, sunday we went to church (i've forgotten how uncomfortable i feel in Catholic mass) and then walked the golf course. we then got primed and ready for the annual st. andrews fashion show. wills attended 2 years ago so it's a big deal now. katie and i got dressed as poncey and pretentious and we could (i wore posh-spice-eseque sunglasses) and trotted off to the st. andrews bay hotel. it was such a glam night and our fake pretentiousness was such a laugh. we sipped champagne and watched the amazing fashion show and really enjoyed ourselves...

monday we sadly had to depart but the train ride home was fairly painless...

in other news, i've nearly completed my dissertation which means i've nearly completed my masters. amazing how time flies by. the work has been really challenging and i've really enjoyed it but it's certainly been draining. i start my ph.D in july which is going to be an expansion of current work- looking at the politics of welfare reform more broadly and interviewing federal and provincial policy actors to understand how changes were made, why they were made and the including the piece i'm just about to finish on implementation... should be interesting...

i'm in charge of a ball in a week's time which is scaring my senseless- 1000 people paying £70 a pop... it should be amazing! more updates soon

. . .

2004-04-21T13:49:00.000Z

some thoughts from the road

i recently took a short trip to scotland to see my best friend's alma mater. here's some thoughts from the road... will have more on the realities of life soon...

A train ride across Britain could often be mistaken for 8 hours in a local JobCentre. In fact, with the current labour strike across the country, perhaps the Government has simply made coming onto a train the equivalent of ‘signing on’. There are multiple single parents, gaggles of families of 4 with a cumulative age of less than 50 and more piercings than are visible in an entire afternoon in Ladbrokes. If Gordon Brown truly wants to revolutionalise the social welfare system in Britain, he could start by offering free parenting classes on trains and creating ‘social networks’ and ‘generalised trust’ with a reformed seat allocation service.

The trip from the seat of learning, Oxford, to the posh den of golf, St. Andrews, has been complete with being pushed up against a luggage compartment with a blind-deaf woman (at least she was wearing a badge) refusing to budge as her and her 5 children and equally blind (seeing eye-dog in tow) husband try to move everyone on the train out of their car so as to recline with leisure. In part, this is the consistent experience of public transportation. However, the over-abundance of fake Burberry, track suits and 17-year olds with prams highlights just how common, utilised and established public transport by train has become in this part of the world.

One can hardly imagine this scene in travelling by train across Canada. The jostling for seats would be replaced by the near boredom of being seated alone in a car with 14 Japanese tourists from Banff to Vancouver; the constant barrage of mobile ring tones completely absent as the majority of passengers attempt to sleep away the double-digit hours of layover between stops.

We’re now stopped at Lockerbie, a town that holds poignant and sad significance for the country and the world, especially with the prevalence and frequency of terror in our modern world. However, the political significance of Lockerbie, even with the recent meeting between Blair and Gadhaffi, seems lost on the train as I watch my compatriot across the aisle stir from the brink of snoring to put back her copy of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Watcher’s Guide”. The fact that the world is on the brink of destruction or chaos appears misplaced to the random punter in Car A who attempts to bravely walk the aisles like a trapeze artist returning with two more Stellas from his case highlighting the success of Britain’s bring-your-own policy on trains. The foreign policy flip-flop on Israel by George Bush this week is replaced with the political sentiment of the slightly overweight woman in Car D who, at the age of my mother, would like to tell the train to “F*** Off, I’m fussy” via the white t-shirt which clings slightly too closely to her ample breast-stomach combination.

I have a flashback to my weekend just past where I sat in the comforts of the office reading an article in the Times Magazine on the resurgence of Burberry and its ability to move its brand beyond being the fashion of football hooligans. I then look two roads in front of me to see the magazine might be a bit premature: an upstanding youth of Britain is fully clad in the fake check pattern (hat, jumper and socks) and his fashion-forward mindset is copied by his mate in the seat next door who has the ultimate matching ensemble of hat and hooded jumper bearing the wise words: “Fuck Fear, Drink Beer”- a lost sonnet of Heaney’s I think.

However, in other news, in a stunning twist of fate it is revealed that the surly woman from my previous encounter is in fact not deaf and blind but merely blind. My mind begins to wonder whether there’s a market for badges that simply read “Blind” and that maybe I should pitch this to Asda or somewhere else suitable. However, perhaps the woman is just choosing not to hear things, in which case, I too want a badge.

As the train travels further north, I notice another brilliant example of British urban planning. Approximately 10 metres from the railway tracks at Carstairs East station is one of Scotland’s federal penitentiaries. Is this placement aimed at providing the nation’s imprisoned train-watching anoraks with hours of entertainment or an attempt to reduce prison over-crowding by increasing the likelihood of successful escape? Judging by my fellow passengers, I don’t think the inmates would have any trouble blending in on this train. Perhaps this is the British version of the faint hope clause?

I’ve always wondered about the British penchant for mini-skirts. In a country in which sun is an anomaly and warm weather even rarer, why expose your pale, frozen chicken legs to the elements. However, a remarkable number of people seem to enjoy dressing for the beach. I hope the surfer girl, dressed in mini-skirt, Roxy t-shirt, seashell necklace, flip-flops and bottle tan, sitting behind me will enjoy her trip to the blustery and misty seaside this weekend. Perhaps this is the way forward to stimulate the slightly stagnant northern Scottish economy: why pay hundreds for Goa when Ayr’s beaches await?

I think perhaps that the leading brewers in Britain have missed out on the ultimate branding opportunity. With so many people wearing beer shirts on the trains, perhaps Carling or Carlsberg (definitely a lager) should consider just purchasing the trains outright. Think of the fantastic exchanges: are you taking the beer train to Skye? Then their could be competition to actually improve the efficiency of train travel: who could get to London Paddington quicker- Stella or Fosters?

I’ve just realised that all of my previous analogies and metaphors are incomplete. The true description of the train experience in Britain is the rugby scrum. There are hoards of people all grouped together in this cylindrical formation, many of them sweating profusely and the general odour is of bodies and heat and exertion (there’s an advert in there somewhere). It feels like there is near complete chaos but yet there are ‘rules’. While you can side-blow someone with a case or throw a garment bag into someone’s neck, you have to continue to pretend that you’re not really trying to injure- you’re simply doing everything in your power to achieve the ultimate ‘goal’- the privileged seat. Having just witnessed someone (a 5 ft. tall spherical ‘woman’ complete with trainers and whining child) lift a heavy bag and the child like a sack of potatoes, I’m more convinced than ever that Jonny Wilkinson got most of his training riding Virgin.

Just when the calm sets in, if calm can be described as pressing flesh with a lovely group of 25 of your favourite strangers, it’s time for the ‘trolley’ because if there’s one thing this group of frightfully large people needs its more crisps or an extra can of Virgin cola. As we sit sealed together in a vacuum-like tube with little air of any quality and a smell that farmers would consider air freshener, I just hope that the cradle of golf is here soon...

. . .

2004-04-01T15:19:00.000Z

the nhl needs to change

if it wasn't clear before, the lack of a hockey season next year might finally wake up the nhl to realise that things can't go on as they have before. the league- high salaries, bad rules, poor organization and problematic coaching and all- needs a massive reformation and i hope that the league uses its sabbatical to make the reforms necessary to improve what was and could be a fantastic game for both spectator and player.

the problems are many and the solutions not easy. perhaps the simplest is the current play-off seeding formula. guaranteeing division leaders top billing in the playoff seeding was meant to be a means for expansion teams to aspire to even mediocre success. it was supposed to grant home-ice advantage and higher seeding to teams who might not have been their on its own merits. what it's actually done is penalise star divisions and allow the potential for absolute folly in the playoffs. take one look at the southeast division. minus tampa bay, all four teams are in the bottom of the conference with no prospects for the post-season. remind me again why we want to bestow top seeding to one of these teams? does it take a year where all 5 teams in the southeast division don't make the playoffs and a spot is granted to them from on high before the nhl sees the inherant dislogic in their seeding formula?

the other problems are more intense and far more difficult to solve. there is first the salary issues. it reminds me of my time lobbying the government on post-secondary education issues. the council of ontario universities once put forward an ultimatum that none of them would accept more students unless they got full funding for each of them. the government never caved because they knew that some of the universities would. this is the same fake ultimatum put forward by team owners- "we won't offer ridiculous salaries to preserve some form of unofficial salary cap". Bullshit! I cry, as each owner attempts to outdo one another in rewarding their over-rewarded players. this leads to the complete misunderstanding of economics that the players' union currently holds. simply put: the nhl needs a salary cap, it needs a firm line from owners and it needs players who understand that, regardless of their talent, the game has a bottom line.

probably the most tricky issue in the nhl is restoring the game to one that fans want to watch and one where the policy on violence is clear. some of this is easier said than done- smaller goal equipment, new blue-line rules will go some way, but the game is likely to require more significant reform. however, most significantly, the game has to change is approach. the todd bertuzzi affair has created a significant movement to blame individual players for their violent behaviour. however, i think this misses out on the fault that lies with the league, with the coaches and with the style of play. ken dryden's piece in the globe lays this out very well- that the move to bigger, stronger players and shorter shifts has increased the aggressive nature of the game. combine this with a league that publicly condemns violence but tacitly approves if not encourages it and you have a recipe for disaster.

what the nhl needs is a clear idea of what they want out of the game. if they think that violence gets asses in seats- then so be it. say that and be done with it and let's not shreik in horror when another todd bertuzzi incident occurs. if the league really is serious about making the style of play more aggressive and less violent then be serious about it- ending 'finishing the check', actually penalise aggression and allow for true offence (and more goals) to come about. what the league doesn't need is new public platitudes- on salary caps, cracking down on violence or a desire for more goals- with no real action.

i hope the nhl uses their year off to come with a game that both says and does what it actually believes is good for the game- it's too good to lose.

. . .

2004-03-26T10:52:00.000Z

welcome to transcription hell

why did i have to do so many interviews? why did i have to choose an interview-based research dissertation? blah to me! you all should have warned me how paintful it would be to sit alone in my room and type away tediously!

anyway, i'm caught in transcription hell. this means that i procrastinate A LOT by doing random things like: cleaning my flat, reorganizing all my papers, making too many cups of tea, sending e-mails and then cleaning my flat again. i also spend a lot of time reading the news. so, in a tiny segment i like to call 'one line each' here's my take on current events... (mostly canadian)

myrian bedard: so, just because you won an olympic medal it's somehow now ok to lie?
blair and gadhafi: i see, so some lunatic hippie terrorists are good for peace
gagliano: and the oscar goes to...
ralph goodale: sure, it was boring- but what did we expect from a boring wester politician? i also love the bird of paradise they made him wear to 'spice up' his outfit!
the stupid pyjama story in winnipeg: this is when i think there should be a test for parenting
john kerry: umm, the republicans called- they want their party membership card back
the mapleleafs: thank god, the aliens have given me back my team so maybe they can start playing the sport again!
the bid for a new canadian holiday... in february: it's kind of like a legislated snow day
microsoft and the eu: see, when you own everything that's what we in the economic world call a 'monopoly' ...

and with that, i'm outta here... back to transcription hell

. . .

2004-03-21T12:06:00.000Z

some quick updates from my world

the dinner party

i love the dinner party. every bit of it. the week of preparation- creating the ideal menu, buying the ingredients, cleaning the flat; the actual day- arranging the flowers, setting the table, prepping all the food; the actual event- the flowing conversation, the ambient music, the pauses between courses. i think the idea of putting various people from your life together and seeing what comes of it is so fantastic. i also love spoiling my friends...

a colleague mused that i would be a reasonable administrator because if i loved the dinner party then i would love assembling committees and seeing them operate- true, but the food is less good!

this particular dinner party was small and more reserved then expected but still very charming. the menu: roasted squash and apple soup served over brie, rustic french greens with dried cranberry and avocado in a balsamic vinaigrette, poached salmon in a lemon coriander sauced, cous-cous stuffed peppers and asparagus, flower-pot baked alaska. worked quite well. looking forward to the next combination already...

the chapter

the 3rd chapter of my dissertation is finally complete. blagging my way through 50 sources for a 5000 word chapter (which suddenly became 7500 words) was a nightmare. i wrote a paragraph that included the words epistemological, ontological, post-positivist, paradigmatic, constructivist and apprehendable. all very scary. the result: the section i worked hardest on has been deemed unnecessary and the above paragraph was called 'pretentious'. serves me right- should just write about what i actually know. the up-side is that jane likes the second section which is my own contribution...

respect for tom hanks

many of you who will have engaged in any discussion about film and, especially, queerness in film will have heard my rant on philadelphia and why it was a populist film that took an emotional-response topic to make a rather shallow and superficial statement- gays are good and not scary. this has led to my loathing of tom hanks. however, in an article in today's chicago paper, he admits as much:

"Yes, it was a very political movie, but it was coming from the mainstream," he explains. "It was a big studio film that cost about $35 million to make. The more rabid statement movies cost $750,000 and played in a couple of theaters. Demme was out to make a political movie, and he did it in a very clever way. The political statement I think `Philadelphia' was asking the public to make was to go see the movie."

so, it wasn't about depth, it was about audience share. kudos to tom!

random

in other news, i'm in transcription hell trying to get through all my interview tapes. i'm going to see 'pirates of the caribbean' at the buckingham palace theatre on tuesday (crazy story!). oxford is in a rainy/sunny for 20 minutes each phase. i'm heading to the boat race next weekend. alfonso gagliano is making me want to vomit. and i'm super jealous of matt's new apartment. that's about it for now

. . .

2004-03-15T19:25:00.000Z

thanks douglas

i found it very interesting that i'm an activist as i tended to conform more to the majority opinions. anyway, certainly food for thought..

You are the Honourable Madam Justice Marie Deschamps. (65.7% match)

Born: 1952, Repentigny, Québec
Appointed: 2002
Key word: "progressive"

You are the youngest Justice and represent the voice of the next generation. Unafraid of being called an "activist", you wrote strongly-worded minority opinions on all of our sample cases since your appointment. Maybe you inherited the job of Devil's advocate from the retired Justice L'Heureux-Dubé.

Which Canadian Supreme Court Justice are you? v0.1 by mskala

. . .

2004-03-09T10:22:00.000Z

life, in the smallest of forms

this week has been a week for the tiny things. in the brain world, it's because i'm writing my chapter on methodology this week which means that i'm focusing in on the minutiae of what i've already done. the small details of research: what order did you ask questions in? why did you choose to do the interviews in that room as opposed to somewhere else? how were you introduced to the interviewee? etc? etc?

however, the most notably tiny thing this week was the addition to my family of a new nephew. liam andrew birch was born on thursday, march the 4th at around 8:30pm winnipeg time, weighing 8 pounds 2 ounces. he is a the most beautiful child with very cute chubby cheeks and dimples that you could lose a car in. i am once again struck by how wonderful this whole life thing is. i remember seeing noah for the first time and feeling this amazing, impenetrable love- that something so small, so vulnerable could inspire such love is the most amazing thing. i wish i could see little liam in the flesh but that will have to wait.

i'll spend the rest of my day seeking out the tiny things- not only in methdology but in the tiny things that remind you of how wonderful it can all be

. . .

2004-03-03T10:33:00.000Z

You're British Columbia. You're hip and happenin'
but also a nice person who isn't a snob. Career
is important to you but it isn't your whole
life. People assume that your life is perfect
and that you have it all, like you were born
with a silver spoon in your mouth. But it's not
true; you do have your own set of troubles just
like everybody else.

What Canadian Province Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-02-28T17:05:00.000Z

twenty-four going on 45 or 5?

i'm sitting in my lovely flat on an overcast day in oxford staring out at the window while a girl downstairs turns 5 and is celebrating with her friends. she's not actually turning 5- well, i guess, in reality, she actually is. however, she has actually lived on the earth for 20 years. you see, her birthday is tomorrow, 29 february, makingher birthday the leap year day and making her birthday unrecognised most other years. for her 5th birthday party she's invited her friends to participate in a real kid's party: cake and hats, pass the parcel, water guns and lots of other silly games.

upstairs, i am becoming increasingly aged. today, i once again cleaned my flat, did some dishes, and purchased new flowers for the vase i now fill weekly. there's a lovely little box of thornton's special toffee on my coffee table, i have all the accessories to have people in for tea and the artwork on my walls is framed and compliments my throw pillows nicely. in essence, i am playing at growing up.

it's an ever-growing necessity for me to fill my life with these mature and adult-like things. it fills so many functions: a) allows me to pretend i'm stable; b) distracts me from the real work of my degree; c) takes my mind off thinking about the dreaded "what next question?" which looms large over my head; and c) brings me into line with the other mature people i spend most of my time with.

yet, there's lots of times when i want to remind myself that i am only 24. there is no necessity for me to grow up just yet. while there is no need to become immature, there is no need either to buy property, move to florida and being complaining about the government full time. but finding the line between maturity and boredom is a difficult task (notably when you're in a disciplinarian-type role).

so, i think my task is to try and regain the sense of paradox i used to pride myself on. easily capable of partying with the best of them or debating some esoteric subject. but, for the moment, i'll debate whether to rearrange my flowers or join the kids downstairs

. . .

2004-02-20T09:59:00.000Z

at last

i have sat at this particular window staring at it a number of times over the past months thinking that i should update. i have even chosen titles, written sentences only to delete them and move on to something else. i think the failure to write is a dual battle: i) how to write something about my life that my 'audience' will both understand and not find over-dramatice and ii) write something that really gets at where my thoughts have been.

in essence, in the last few months i have reconsidered life. not whether or not to keep living but instead what kind of a life i want to lead. most of this has been centred around vocation which is an all-consuming and brutal struggle. in essence, i am not completely happy in my current course work. i find the difficulty of writing focused and well-documented chapters for my dissertation tedious and overwhelming. i know that this is not what i want to do for the rest of my life. to know that i can not come home and put the tele on and not know that there is more books i should read, more articles to write and all the rest of it. i need to find something i am motivated to do and also something that i am passionate about. i want something i am energised about.

however, i'm not sure what that next step is and do not feel i have a strong enough grasp on where this next change will take me. and so, i have decided to stay on track- to a certain degree- and will continue on towards my d. phil. but i will use these next two years to truly get at what i'm good at and what it is i want to do next. journalism? canadian literature? management? administration? theatre? a boy band? it is both deeply liberating and deeply disarming to think what lies ahead...

and yet in all this postulating, the normal rhythms of life continue- there was a show (finishes this week), welfare crises in college, nights out, nights in, great dinners, fantastic conversations and not enough time spent in the bath, on the couch or with my friends. and so things have been both normal and not. regularity in a time that is deeply strange.

there has been much else in the past months that has amused and angered me. the reality that canada is becoming america in its obsession with public accounts ($12 for a roll of cello tape!!!- people there are costs to govern, honestly!); that integrity in government is a bad pr strategy (poor paul martin?); that racial inequality is as strong as ever in britain (there are 70 black students at cambridge); that i miss home (especially with a new little person arriving this week); that i love my flat (what a difference table clothes make); that i can be happy even in my fog...

more soon...